First, let me start with saying out loud that at this moment I am abstinent. One day at a time I commit the third step prayer and offer prayers to a higher power asking to be assisted in all efforts to remain abstinent today.

Today I told my sponsor my plan for my food for this day. I also said that I planned on going to the grocery market. I live alone, I work from home, and I do not report to anyone for my work on a daily basis. Therefore, my connection to my sponsor is an integral, critical part of my mental health within my recovery. She is not my higher power, nor my God, nor my last word. My recovery is in fact in God’s hands along with my ego, my personality, my strengths, and my weaknesses.

God’s grace covers my back as old Irish culture has passed down to me. So, here I am having no lettuce left in my refrigerator. I have spent the last two hours preparing old perishable foods so that they will not be wasted in this time of potential scarcity.

I pulled out old recipes from my younger days, basked in the comfort of nostalgia. I thought about calling my daughter who lives in the hot spot of Brooklyn, NY just to hear her voice again. I wanted to pass on the recipe that I had cooked when they were little tykes before their Dad had passed away. I felt the need to share some memories.

But, better parenting learned in another 12 step program, slowed me down. I wanted to be respectful of her remote working hours so waiting patiently until after five o’clock would be an appropriate gesture.

So, I kept cleaning out the refrigerator making room for new produce. I told my sponsor I was planning to go to the grocery store today. I wondered if it was really necessary because I was only out of lettuce? Is it mature? Is it wise?

It’s part of my daily step work in life to ask myself questions to eliminate “stinking thinking. ”What are my motivations in this action?” What’s underneath my choices? Am I afraid? Am I looking for distraction from difficult feelings? Am I looking to be entertained? Is looking at the stimulation of the colors, the foods, the actions of others in the store underneath this thought? Am I being loving, kind, and compassionate to my core wounded little girl self?

A friend in the program once said, “prior proper planning prevents poor performance.” I had once written that down and taped it to my refrigerator, but wondered if I had memorized it. It speaks to the need to value and protect my abstinence.

God helps me and with God’s grace I have learned to pray. Am I properly planning to take action to stay abstinent? Have I called anyone this morning in my fellowship during all this alone time in the kitchen? Has my character quality of complete self-reliance kicked in? Have I waited the recommended two or more weeks before going out there in the public and keeping significant social distancing?

So, for right now, I will grab my dog, put on gloves and a homemade mask, walk with her for awhile as I get spiritually centered. I’ll talk to a fellow in recovery with my baggy covered cellphone. Then I’ll wait while God helps me intuit what the next right thing to do is for me today.

I am so very blessed to have a relationship with some kind of high power and a willingness. God bless you all. Thank you for listening to my stream of consciousness rambling. This writing helps heal me and make me feel that authentic intimacy is worth the risk it is for me.