The Desperation to Go to Any Lengths
My weight yo-yoed between 175 and 265 pounds for 40 years.
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Recovery
Walking Through Fear
It was bad enough that I was a food addict, but going to meetings with alcoholics was asking too much. I doubted if I would ever find enough willingness to take this suggestion.
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Don’t Worry, Be Happy
I allowed fear, doubt, insecurity, and all kinds of negativity to drown out the gratitude. The pit I was spiraling into was all too familiar. It is a place of despair, despondency and self-hatred, a place in which I used to live.
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The Queen Baker
I knew I had completely lost control of my eating when I began to make sure I had a dessert every night, even if it meant going to the store late at night. I would crawl into bed with this dessert and eat it before going to sleep.
Dancing Queen
When I was not at work my bed became my island where I beached myself, surrounded by cellophane bags and boxes of junk food purchased from the corner store. Most weeks, I came home on Friday night, crawled into bed, and ate until Monday morning.
Finally Living Life
I desperately wanted to have friends, but I just didn’t know how to connect with the other kids, so I pretended that my isolation was my choice. This was how I lived my whole life. I told myself that anyone who wanted to be friends would have to come to me.
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A Family Affair
I wished I was skinnier and happier. I had proclaimed myself a vegan and then gluten free. I was going to yoga and trying to jog like I had jogged addictively in college. I was adding marijuana to the mix because it was low in calories.
The Missing Ingredient
The more I indulged with food, the less attractive I felt. At first, I swung back and forth. I would go on a diet, lose a few pounds, get to almost my ideal weight, overeat, and regain the few pounds back.
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Double Trouble
For years I was actively practicing both addictions. Usually if the drinking was heavier, I sometimes got a slight handle on the bulimia. But then something stressful would happen, and I would pick up the food again.