Record-setting rains created large-scale destruction in my area this past spring, as rising rivers overflowed their boundaries and caused massive flooding. As I watched the televised reports, I realized how this principle applies to my own life. Just like a runaway river, out of control eating causes many levels of destruction: added weight, shame and guilt, loathing of my lack of willpower, and spiritual disintegration. I experience sanity and abundant life only when I live within certain prescribed boundaries. Otherwise, my body, soul, and spirit suffer.
While I know that I have no power to stop outside circumstances, fear and my desire to control warp my thinking. “Maybe I have no say over life in general,” I think, “but I can control my intake of food.” In my head, control equals no boundaries—nothing off limits, no censure of quantities or types of food. I will eat whatever I want and no one can stop me.
I am now fully aware that this kind of thinking is counterintuitive, convoluted, and unhealthy. However, in disease, my continued eating and bingeing indicated how deeply I believed the lie.
After struggling against overeating for over 60 years and trying every diet that came down the pike, I came into FA, hopeless and desperate at 197 pounds, which is way too much on an almost 5’1” frame. I hated myself for letting my body go to this extent. Health issues plagued me. I had nothing to wear and used this as an excuse to hide from the world. The more I isolated, the more I ate and the more miserable I became. I thought the cycle would never end until the day that I would eventually explode because I wasn’t able to fit into my skin anymore.
No one would have guessed about my misery. I managed to put on a smile and repeat “I-am-fine,” yet thoughts of suicide plagued me. My eating, bingeing, and purging was out of control.
I have lost forty-five pounds in FA, but the weight loss is nothing compared to the amazing joy I experience each day. I no longer hate myself or feel shame and guilt. Nor do I obsess over food as if I could never get enough. I no longer want to isolate. My thinking is focused and sharp with a renewed sense of hope for the future. In shedding the weight, I am also casting off unhealthy and cumbersome places in my mind and spirit. I have found, in FA, a program which provides me with tools for dealing with my insanity. Utilizing the FA tools teaches me a new way of living and eating.
I credit my Higher Power, whom I call the God of the Bible, for this amazing transformation. The spiritual component of this journey has been lifesaving. My morning quiet time gives me strength to withstand whatever comes throughout my day. The readings train my thinking, and the outreach calls and meetings give me hope. My sponsor keeps me on track day to day because I need accountability. I already knew I was powerless over food and that my life had become unmanageable. I knew only God could give me power to quit eating addictively, but I did not believe God would do this for me. Yet, day by day, he does. He keeps me strong while I stay within the boundaries of this program and work my tools and the 12-Steps. He is enough; I don’t need more food or more of anything. FA frees me to be the person God intended when He created me—to grow and give and experience abundance.
Just like the river, the boundaries abstinence provides bring health and fulfillment to my life.