I never in a million years thought that I would be walking through so many changes in my life. I never thought that I would be relieved of the 130 pounds that were keeping me from living life. Above all, I never thought that I’d be writing about it more than three-and-a-half years later, still standing, and still thin.
Before I “came to” in FA, I was a walking zombie. I was living all of the clichés that one hears prior to joining Program. I was living to eat. I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, because I just could not face another day. My coping mechanisms were reduced to eating away my pain with anything that I could get my hands on to numb my negative emotions. When I was happy, I ate anyway, because I wanted to prolong the feeling, only to later crash and burn from the “high.”
My idea of a perfect weekend was to plan where and when my (now) ex-husband and I would eat. I was so miserable in my marriage that really all I wanted was to drop him off at his favorite watering hole after dinner and then go home and eat my dinner leftovers, take pain killers, and crash. Sometimes I would have to pick him up from a bar if he couldn’t get a ride home, which I hated, because it interfered with “quality” me time.
I was always so afraid of people, places, and things that I retreated into a shell that kept me from knowing who I truly was. I existed only to mold myself into what was around me, because I didn’t know what kind of person I was. Food took the edge off of life and, in the end, it was my sole purpose for existence. I had no idea that life wasn’t what was so difficult, but it was me that made living it difficult. I had been reduced to a gutter-level addict, crawling out of bed, looking forward only to what I could put into my mouth, and living off of that feeling until I crawled back into bed and had to do it all over again.
Today I don’t have to eat, no matter what. No matter what, I don’t have to eat! It makes no difference what I am walking through in my life. There is no reason in the world that would justify my having to pick up the bite. FA has given me the courage to leave a life that was no longer working for me.
I have found the courage to admit that I am a lesbian. I am in a relationship with another recovering addict, which has its many blessings and challenges. But I am grateful that she and I both can walk through our recovery journey together, knowing that our Higher Powers have got us.
I know that today I have choices. I can either choose to be miserable or I can choose to be grateful for the absolutely amazing changes that have taken place in my life as a result of putting down my drug. My problems today are not problems, they are challenges that have been presented to me because my Higher Power knows that with its help, we can together walk through them. I’m becoming a better, stronger person. My Higher Power has been with me through everything. I was led to these rooms and kept alive so that I could finally begin to live the kind of extraordinary life that I have today.