I have been in FA for almost nine years. I come from the madness of 20 years of either overeating, bulimia, or controlled eating, and I had had enough.
It was suggested that I go to AA, which was a bit of a joke, as I only drank a bit in the evenings and got a bit drunk at parties. Amazingly, I was open to it, as I realized that deep down I had issues with alcohol. But I soon realized that it was food that was my problem. I was encouraged to go to Overeaters Anonymous, but could not manage there without strict boundaries around food.
During that time, I experienced more ups and downs than I could imagine. I thought that when I stopped eating addictively, embraced this program, and did God’s will instead of my own, then all would be well. How could it not? Surely, being honest, open, loving, and respectful to myself and others, etc. would automatically qualify me for all the good things I deserved.
FA was eventually suggested to me as a last resort. When I went to my first meeting, I knew instantly that it was for me.
Interestingly, I now realize that all I really needed to do was to live one day at a time. A lot of my pain emotionally has been because I am either sad about yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Before I came into Program, I worried so much about being overweight that it just consumed me, even though I was never more than 30 pounds in excess of what I should be. I seemed to worry about everything, from not being good enough as a mother/person, not being slim enough, and not being bright enough. The list went on.
In the past, when I felt low about my marriage and my husband, I would feel that he was not making enough fuss about me. I would have angry outbursts at him and then wait until he went to work, and the children where in bed, to get drunk and have a binge on loads of sugary treats to comfort myself. The problem was that I was hurting myself. Today I am able to articulate my needs in a loving, honest, and clean way, without blame. The bonus is that I don’t want to abuse myself with food or drink.
The reality now is that I have a marriage from heaven that nearly ended in divorce before Program. I spent a lot of time resenting my husband and focusing on the negatives of what I did not have, as opposed to today, when I focus on the wonderful things we do have. I also have a great relationship with my three sons. I am sad to say that I actually still lashed out at them physically at times, even when they were teenagers.
On my 51st birthday last month, my youngest son wrote that I was an amazing role model and that he was proud of me. How wonderful is that! Thanks to working the Steps and making amends, being stable and consistent on a daily basis, I am able to be a loving mother.