Making decisions is difficult for me. You wouldn’t believe how long it can take me just to pick out the right kind of dishes, cutlery, clothes, and paint colors. But thankfully, joining FA was a very easy decision for me.

I found FA 12 years ago when I was 22 years old and completely desperate. My top weight was 142, but I typically struggled with an extra 10-15 pounds on my petite body, through controlled eating and exercise. I had no idea that the disease of food addiction owned me. I just thought I was unhappy because everyone and everything around me sucked. I was angry, negative, manic, mean to my loved ones, lost, and sad. What I didn’t know was that I was full of self-hatred, and underneath my punk rock, indie, bad-ass attitude, I was scared of life. Drugs and alcohol helped me to cope in social situations, but I binged on food to numb my feelings and check out. It’s no surprise that food was on my mind all the time.

Within a very short time of not eating flour and sugar, weighing and measuring my meals, and attending meetings, my depression and anxiety started to lift. Suicidal thoughts were replaced with hope, and I no longer felt so alone. I outgrew my purple, pink, and blue hair and slowly (very slowly) started to soften up and come out of my shell. My personality started to change when I stopped using food as a drug and took suggestions from my sponsor.

My life continues to unfold since coming into FA, in ways I never imagined. I’m able to support myself financially (when in the past I leeched off my parents, and in some circumstances, begged on the street for money), and I’m a valued employee (no longer showing up in sweatpants!). I’m in a healthy marriage, whereas I used to only be in unhealthy relationships with other addicts. We bought a home two years ago and I actually help take care of it! Not to mention that I no longer obsess about food and my weight.

I can go on and on about the gifts I have received, but this past year I hit a road block, which brought me to my knees. Living life felt harder and harder, and I’m embarrassed to say that there were days when I didn’t want to show up for life—it was just too overwhelming. No matter how much I prayed and worked my program, I couldn’t get out of my funk, and gratitude felt unattainable, even unfamiliar. Fear, jealousy, and negativity consumed me, just like the food did when I was in disease. I wasn’t just “off the beam” like we all get; there was actually no beam for me to get back on. I was in a spiritual blackout.

Again, making decisions became difficult for me. I went back and forth, back and forth, as if there really was a right or a wrong choice between jacket colors, flight times, gifts to buy, etc. But thankfully, by the grace of God, it was very easy for me to decide to go back to day one and be like a newcomer to Program. That was 90-plus days ago. I knew in my heart, from a quiet place, that I had to go back to Step One. I didn’t have to call six people, take extra quiet time, make a pros and cons list. It was just right.

I’ve learned so much about myself and this disease in the past 90 days. One major thing I’ve learned is that I wasn’t surrendered.I understood that I was powerless over food and that my life was unmanageable, but I lost the notion that I was also powerless over people, places, and things. My three-legged stool of recovery was in need of repair. The physical leg was strong and sturdy, but the mental and spiritual legs were broken. No wonder making decisions has been so hard for me. I wasn’t letting go and trusting that God was in charge, not me.

Today I don’t walk around with clenched fists, saying “God help me, God help me, God help me.” Instead, my prayers have changed to “God, I trust you. I trust you’ll show me if I’m supposed to move, have children, look for a new job, or get a dog.” And when I don’t know, I practice gratitude. Along with staying abstinent, choosing to trust is the biggest choice I make on a daily basis. From there I trust it will get easier and easier for me to decide all sorts of things, like the art work that will go on our newly painted purple walls (which I love!) in our living room.