Recently, I shared with my sponsor that I had experienced intense emotional and physical breakdowns. She connected the dots for me and suggested that I needed to slow down. After listening to her suggestions, I have been carefully examining how I’m living my life, both in the big picture and moment to moment. I realized that her observation that I had too much going on was certainly true. I am now looking for things to let go of to ensure that I am living a manageable life. If I don’t, I know I am at risk of returning to addictive eating. I need to treat myself like a newcomer each day. I must make sure my recovery comes first, and that I don’t get so busy that I feel hectic and worn out. In trying to downshift into a new, slower gear, I was going in and out of fear, worrying so much about overdoing my life.
One Monday, after a lovely weekend full of family, gratitude, and peace of mind, I found myself picking up some uneasiness. I was a bit baffled by this, as I had been so peaceful the day before. Later that afternoon, during my cherished afternoon Quiet Time (which has become a regular practice in recent months), I realized that I wasn’t feeling afraid anymore, that I hadn’t felt afraid for quite a few hours. I ask myself what had changed. What came back to me was, “You got busy living your life, Diana!” I reflected on how the day had gone. I had, indeed, had a very productive day, tending to things that needed tending, but it had somehow been very manageable. The next thought that came was, “Oh yeah! FA is a program for living!”
But where do I go next? How do I engage in busy living without getting too busy? How do I avoid returning to the unmanageable life that threatens my abstinence? I prayed and told God that I feel like a beginner. I asked for guidance on how to accomplish this task of living fully, but manageably. My weekly call with my sponsor rolled around, and that question was on the top of the list. Fittingly, that morning’s reading in Twenty Four Hours a Day was all about living an abundant life. I asked her if she had any suggestions about finding this balance, which seemed almost impossible to achieve. She said simply, “Why don’t you start with saying ‘I am enough, I have enough, I do enough.’ Practice being satisfied.”
“What does that even mean, ‘I am enough, I have enough, I do enough’”? I felt like I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Was I dissatisfied? That seemed unlikely, as I truly experience so much contentment in my life, thanks to FA. But, when my sponsor tells me something, I listen! Throughout the day, the answer started to reveal itself to me moment by moment, situation by situation. In the first moment I remember of that day, I had a certain amount of time in which to do a couple of errands I’d planned on doing. I ended up having a little less time than I thought I would, as an appointment went a little longer than anticipated. As I pondered whether I could get both errands done, I heard the voice of my sponsor: “Practice being satisfied.” I knew that meant I had to decide which errand was more important and choose that one. I did my one errand, and had such a sense of peace around it. I could take my time, and didn’t panic when there were long checkout lines. I knew I wouldn’t be trying to cram in the other errand.
The next day, I noticed I was spacing out at my meeting while we were listening to a CD. “Practice being satisfied,” echoed through my head. That was a revelation. It rang true that when I’m tuning out while I should be listening, that’s my way of saying, “It’s not enough for me to listen to you. I need something else, too.” I tuned back in and enjoyed listening. I took in much more than I often do of the recorded story, and enjoyed the sharing after the break in a whole new way.
Things keep being revealed to me about what it means for me to practice being satisfied, and my days since then have been filled with productivity and peace. I pray that I may continue this practice, one day at a time, moving forward. I thank God for this program that keeps me on the path of recovery.