On my visit to my first meeting, my weight was 330 pounds and I was desperate to lose weight primarily because of the physical effects that obesity was having on my body and the mental anguish I was experiencing being overweight. At 55 years of age, my body was no longer able to cope with or buffer the long-term effects of daily binging and food abuse. These included dangerous hypertension—my blood pressure was 240 over 120, sleep apnoea, arthralgia, pre-diabetes, incipient heart failure, and renal failure secondary to the hypertension. These diagnoses manifest as swollen legs, shortness of breath on exertion, tiredness, insomnia, and fatigue.
I have lost 160 pounds through working the programme. Since Day One, I had been journaling my food and keeping a daily diary, and there had been not one day that I have missed speaking and talking to God and writing my food in my journal. Even when I went overseas on trips, conferences, and holidays, my journal came with me.
Today, I sat down to take my sponsee call and realised I had not written in my journal for the last 3 days. The Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous refers to “black-outs,” unexplained mental blank periods that are the result of physical intoxication. In FA, I don’t drink alcohol; but what I experienced was a spiritual black-out. I stopped my usual routine of getting up early, praying, reading the 24 Hours A Day book and connecting with God. I experienced despondency at its worst with looming dire consequences. Although I weighed and measured my food and ate on time, I lost my connection with God. I was sleeping late; I was indecisive about work; I generally felt sorry for myself; I was not taking action in calls; and I was doing things I felt I had missed out on. Like alcoholics who experienced black-outs, I was not conscious of what was happening. Although I lived through the daily experiences, I was unaware and totally surprised that I did not write anything in my journal and that I had deviated so much from my routine, my programme, and my God.
I know now that I am not cured, and Step One is always at the forefront of my mind. This mental “black-out” is a serious warning sign for me that if I continue with this kind of behaviour, I will be back in the food. I am so grateful that I have a programme to help me get back on the beam. I am so thankful that I have meetings to attend, sponsees that call, a sponsor that I have to call, and many other tools that serve as beacons in the night to guide me in a disciplined way of living and eating. I now have a pattern of living that draws attention to my weakness and identifies any deviations in my life that would otherwise take me back to the food. These aberrations arise simply by living- the doubts, insecurities and fears that manifest as different problems in my life. It is my failure to trust God, and my tendency to rely on myself to fix the problems, that all the difficulties really arise from. I believe the spiritual black-outs are the harbinger to relapse, and they are real. I am not perfect and will never be, but as long as I stay connected through God in this programme, there is a solution.