I have an obsessive mind. By the time I made it to FA, my food obsession had developed to such a point that I didn’t really get it when people said to call before the bite. How did a person know the bite was coming? In early recovery I had a lot of breaks. One time, I was out on a bike ride and talking on the phone with a fellow. I finished the call and then went into a store and ate. Another time I took my dog out for a walk to the park early in the morning. Harmless, right? Not for me. I ended up walking my dog to the store and ate. Breaks like these kept happening. It was really helpful when I was encouraged to continue working all the tools every day. I was also told that I could make as many calls as I needed to in order to not eat. Although the calls were extremely difficult for me, I made them because I was desperate. I learned that “consciousness was a trigger,” so basically once I woke up in the morning I had to be on guard. I made phone calls all day. Eventually, my Higher Power gave me abstinence. I have been abstinent by the grace of God for six years and I absolutely believe that, without FA, my basic default thought of eat, eat, eat would not have changed. Without working my program each day, I would be back in the food.

My disease takes different forms as it tries to get me back into the food. Obsessing on anything is risky for me because those obsessive thoughts block me from the comfort of a peaceful, relaxed mind and from hearing my Higher Power’s soft, simplifying voice. I need to be connected to God in order to move through my day well. My “obsession de jour” is school. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, one of my greatest “gods” was education. (Somebody in Program told me once that “god” is just whatever you think about the most.) For many years I believed that if I just did well in school and got a great job, I would have it made. I would feel in control. People would like me, respect me and look up to me. I would not feel lonely, inadequate or unimportant. And I would always have enough of whatever I wanted. I worked really hard in college toward that end. I made all my decisions myself. I chose biology because I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to have lots of money, status and I couldn’t think of anything more noble than being a doctor. The stress of all that will power plunged me deeper into food addiction, alcoholism, over-exercising and drug addiction. I ended up graduating, but my mental, physical and moral health was shot. I was promiscuous, I shoplifted, got busted and stole my roommate’s food. I had to soothe myself because I hated myself so much. I had periodic attempts to return to school, but each time they were swallowed up by escalating addictive behaviors.

Part of what got me into FA was listening to the MP3 downloads of people telling their stores. I loved those recordings and still do. So many speakers talk about how getting into Program led to going to school and doing really well. I heard about fellows going to law school and I wanted that or something like that.

By the grace of God, I eventually got abstinent. I saturated my brain with FA. Although I was rarely graceful about it, I took my sponsor’s suggestions. I did all the tools every day, as many as I needed, in order to not eat. I practiced rigorous honesty as best I could. I did service. I put my whole heart into my AWOLs. I wanted recovery so bad. As a result, God has been incredibly faithful and blessed me with an amazing life today. I love my sponsor and the example of kindness, grace and abstinence that she models for me. I seek extra time with her because it helps me change and is a joy. I have deeply satisfying relationships with my fellows, where each day I grow more able to authentically show up. What I have learned in FA and working the Twelve Steps has transformed my family relationships; I never knew I could love my mom and dad so much, and my siblings are now some of my best friends.
Sometimes I want more. Recently, the idea of going to school came up again and my mind got obsessive around it really fast. I tried to do school in FA several years ago and really struggled. I wanted to get A’s. I didn’t know how to do it differently. I did one class at a time; anything more than that seemed too much. Eventually it became clear that I needed to drop my class and move to a place where I could get more support for my recovery. I now live near my sponsor with lots of great meetings. Once my recovery was sorted out, I could start school again.

What humbles me is how quickly I go from being in love with God, FA tools, my fellows, my life of service and slimness and then switch to being obsessed, fantasizing about different school programs. What I find helpful is just continuing to work my FA tools; talking with my sponsor is powerful because she knows me and my history. We narrowed down the food choices so that I wasn’t trying to look at every possible option. Simple food has brought me simplicity in other areas of my life. Talking with fellows gets the focus off of me.

Before FA that’s how I did life and it made me feel so alone! Today I love feeling connected to the lives of my fellows. And I don’t feel so frustrated when I hit a roadblock, such as not getting a college counseling appointment despite all my best efforts. It is a relief to talk my feelings out with my fellows and be reminded that I can go to gratitude and rise above the material world.

Truly, my only wish today is to feel at peace with myself, God and my fellows. So I keep trying to look at school as something that I will do only if the lights are green. If I keep getting guided to pursue it as I use my FA tools to discern the next right action, then I will end up in school. But I don’t need to prove myself to myself or to anybody else. I don’t want to go to school because it reminds me of being young, because I am afraid I won’t have any employable skills or because I want a thrill or attention from others. I want to go only if it will increase my usefulness to God and FA. If it’s not forced, then it is God’s will. FA has taught me that God has endless ways that I can be of use to others and that any service strengthens my recovery and brings me joy. Partnership with God is what I want, so I pray that I stay open to all His will, whether it leads me to a campus or something better.