It was a late morning in May and I called my sister-in-law to see how my brother’s hip replacement surgery had gone. The response I got was not what I expected. “Something has gone wrong; they were not able to do the surgery and he is in the ICU.”  The next day my husband and I drove 8 hours to be with my brother, sister-in-law and the rest of my family for what was to be a 4-day vigil replete with conversations, doctors, and many questions, to say nothing of challenging and agonizing decisions.  Four days later my brother died.

There were many gifts during this very sad occasion, not the least of which was how I was carried by God and by this program. I once again experienced the miracle of staying abstinent during a very difficult time.  We were staying in a hotel; there were trips back and forth to the hospital and time spent with family and old friends.  I could not count on there being food I could eat, so I had to plan and make sure I got what I needed.

Seventeen years ago, five years before I got into FA, when both of my parents died within 3 and a half weeks of one another, I got down to my lowest adult weight, which was 95 pounds. Undereating was my problem. I was back and forth between my home in Vermont, my father in Pennsylvania and my mother in Virginia.  I had no appetite, so only ate when I felt like it, which was hardly ever.

This time the experience was very different. I didn’t have much of an appetite, but planned ahead each of those days, making sure I had food at the ready.  I did not always know where I would be at any given mealtime, so I made sure that what I needed was in the car.  I have FA literature downloaded onto my phone so did not need to carry books.  My cell phone also served as a lifeline to other FA members.  The tool of the telephone in the meeting format says “we have immediate contact with another FA member in times of stress” and there was plenty of stress to go around.  And there was God, and for that connection I did not need my phone! The journal I carry with me provided an outlet (and even some clarity!) for the mish-mash of feelings that were stirring around.  (There were plenty of those!)

The weekend of the memorial service provided another opportunity to tap into every tool and suggestion this program has given me ~ more phone calls, more communication with my sponsor, more food planning, more literature, more writing, and a whole lot more God.

It is 5 weeks later, I am back home and newly retired after being in the working world for 50+ years ~ another big change. I am still abstinent, still using all the tools that have carried me this far.  It says in step twelve that we “practice” these principles in all our affairs.  After twelve years, I am still practicing.  I don’t expect to perfect any of it, but I do plan to keep practicing until the day I take my last breath.