When I found FA, I knew I had a problem with food but I did not know I had a fear of financial insecurity. I am 5’4″ and my top weight was 206 pounds. I also knew I had a work problem. I had been identifying myself as a workaholic for years, but the success I had in school and at work made me feel as though it wasn’t a problem.
At one point after I left graduate school, I had five different jobs. I would wonder how I showed up for all of them, but now I know that I really didn’t. When I was doing that many things at once, I couldn’t do any of them well. I have very few memories of that time, because I spent all my time rushing from one place to another. I was never able to focus on the present because I was always mentally preparing for my next activity or decompressing from the one that I had just completed.
All of that work activity was fueled by my addictive eating. I was forever eating in my car or grabbing half-meals and sweets from fast food restaurants to keep me going. I was waking up early to run six to seven miles every day. I told myself I needed to keep eating to replenish the calories I was burning. The addictive eating/exercise cycle continued unabated.
When I was young, my family didn’t have a lot of money. We almost never went on family vacations. My mother would get very anxious whenever we needed to buy new clothes for school. I once found out that she’d sold her beloved piccolo to buy Christmas presents for my sister and me. I occasionally overheard conversations about large credit card bills. I never wanted to be in that kind of position. In retrospect, my compulsive work was a result of my fear of financial insecurity and my voracious appetite to stay busy to numb myself.
I rationalized all kinds of overspending. When I found FA, I was living in a one-bedroom apartment I couldn’t afford. I’d taken out a credit card to pay for the things I thought I needed for my apartment. I took out another credit card because they would give me a 0% interest rate for a year, so I could transfer my previous balance and delay having to pay back what I’d spent. When I got abstinent and my mind cleared, I saw that my financial position was untenable. With my sponsor’s blessing, I broke my lease. I moved in with roommates so that I could lower my rent and my utility expenses. I also took extra jobs dog sitting and playing the organ in a church so that I could put the extra money toward paying off my consumer debt.
Even after the debt had been paid off, however, it was difficult for me to let go of the extra jobs. I spent weekends, and occasionally full weeks, in other people’s houses, picking up pet sitting jobs. I was barely making it to my meetings on time. I was eating my weighed and measured meals as quickly as I could between stops. My sponsor suggested that it didn’t support my recovery for me to be staying in other people’s homes so often. I wasn’t eating flour and sugar, but I wasn’t living sanely. I called and cried to a fellow that I was afraid to stop pet sitting for fear that I would go into debt again.
The fellow reminded me that in FA I have a choice about my actions. If I asked God for help and took care with my money, I could walk through my days without that fear and let go of my over-activity. She also reminded me to be grateful. I could thank God for the awareness that I was working out of fear, instead of cursing my discomfort. I could thank God for the many blessings I’d already received, instead of focusing on what I didn’t have. I was also reminded that the promises of the program don’t guarantee that we won’t be financially insecure; they guarantee that our fear of financial insecurity will leave us. It was an epiphany when I realized that I didn’t need to be afraid, no matter what my financial situation.
Today, I have a great deal of peace around work and my finances. My only debt is from student loans. Last Easter, I was able to give up my church organist position. I now work only one full-time job and I’m able to attend Intergroup. Recently I was overspending again, and I found myself obsessing about getting a new job to make more money. My sponsor helped me see that I wasn’t taking care with my money. She helped to see that my actions were based on fear about not progressing in my career. When I asked God for help and recommitted to my budget, the obsession and fear lifted. I’m so grateful that today I can identify my fear and give it to God. I have faith that if my Higher Power can lift my obsession with food, my Higher Power can also help me with my fears and obsessions in other areas.