I came into FA when I was 22 years old, my life was unmanageable, and I was fat and miserable. I was 180 pounds at that point and my weight was only going up. I had tried everything, but despite my desire to lose weight, exercise, and be healthy, I couldn’t stop eating. I got a sponsor at my first meeting and started working the program. I lost 60 pounds in the first 5 months. My body and my life quickly started to change.

Fast forward. I had been abstinent for five years, working my program gratefully and willingly each day. I went to all of my meetings, participated in multiple AWOLs where I was able to work through the Twelve Steps, and held several service positions at the meeting and Intergroup levels. I had often heard people refer to me as an “FA cheerleader” due to my enthusiasm, gratitude, and energy to be of service and work this program.

But addiction is a sneaky disease. After six years in program and five years of abstinence, I went back to day one. The honest truth was that my food was “off” on a vacation.

We ate breakfast at the resort every morning, and one day, I decided my breakfast fruit wasn’t big enough. So instead of going with my normal restaurant mantra of “less is more,” I decided to cut up the fruit and add other fruits to the plate. My thought was “I’ll share this with my boyfriend and so I will probably get about 6 ounces.” But that’s not what happened. I ended up eating almost the entire plate of fruit. One day on our trip, as we were lying on the beach, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to take a sip from a fruit drink he had. I tasted it and was unimpressed – “too sweet, yuck!” and that was that.

Looking back, I wish I hadn’t done these things on my vacation. I wish I could say I have over five years of abstinence. I wish I didn’t have to let go of my sponsee. I wish I could have kept my service positions at my meetings, at Intergroup, and kept my spot as a voting member for this year’s business convention. But God had a different plan for me.

I have learned so much during these last couple of months. I recently reached my 90 days again and am able to share my experience, strength and hope with fellows from the front of the room. I am able to hold some service positions in my meetings again and am excited to get back into service.

I can’t go back and reverse those decisions. I can only learn from them. I have learned that abstinence is key, and at the same time I am working towards living a life full of recovery. I don’t want to just count my days, weigh and measure my food, and show up at meetings. I want this program and the Twelve Steps to fill my life, lift my fears, doubts and insecurities, help me make decisions, and teach me how to be the person God wants me to be.

I am living this program one day at a time, and I am grateful for every day I am not hurting myself with food.