I started my journey at my very first meeting of Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous.  Many things said that evening resonated with me.  I asked myself, “Can this be true?  Is there such a thing as food addiction?  Am I a food addict?”

Then I thought, “I hope not because what does that mean?  Will I have to give up food, my friend?”  I was not entirely convinced so I attended more meetings.

I wanted to learn because I certainly was not doing well on my own.  I was climbing the scale steadily with my last weigh in at approximately 230 lbs. (104.33 kilos).  I could hardly look at the scale and when I would weigh I would jump on and off as quickly as possible.  That number mortified me.  I was at my heaviest weight yet and had become very sad, depressed and discouraged.  I just did not understand why I had to eat so much.  

I knew logically what I should be eating, as I was educated in the subject, but I always seemed to gravitate towards unhealthy choices and fast food.  After work in the evenings, I would pick up my favorite binge foods, generally junk food from a gas station, convenience store or restaurant.  Sometimes I chose to order in.  Either way I would come home and eat until I was stuffed, uncomfortable and sick to my stomach.  I was so bloated. I would become a couch potato. 

When I went to work, I frequented fast food restaurants and drive thrus, whatever was quick and easy.  Some days I would stop at convenience stores two or three times a day.  It became like a love affair that was destructive and unhealthy.  The love affair also came at a huge cost.  I was terribly uncomfortable in my own skin.  I would find myself bloated and feeling horrible, with the addition of a guilty conscience and feelings of defeat and disgust.  I loathed the way I looked and felt.  I was aware that this way of eating was extremely unhealthy. I felt like a loser, with a car full of fast food bags.  Talk about embarrassment!  

At the same time, I was convinced I was having fun and enjoying myself, as these food activities were my main source of entertainment.  It was “my life.”  I knew deep down that there was a problem with this type of existence, though, because regardless of the enjoyment there was still that feeling that my life was not “right.”  I would mentally say to myself, “You are not going to eat too much tonight” and then I would find myself eating seconds, thirds and sometimes fourths. 

So at those first FA meetings when I heard others share of their struggle with food, I felt I had the exact same issues.  The more I heard, the more the stories sounded familiar.  I had done the same things and had the same thoughts.

Today I know the answer to my initial question around whether or not I was a food addict.  I firmly believe there is such a thing as food addiction.  I know that I am a food addict and that my life had become unmanageable. I know I am powerless over food because I was over 220 lbs. (99.79 kilos).

Today I do not feel shame about the numbers.  I realize that I have a disease and an allergic reaction to flour and sugar.  As a result, I am unable to control the food.  However, there is hope and a solution.  I just had to admit that my relationship with food was problematic at best, and truly unhealthy. I did not know how to eat proper quantities and once I started I often could not stop. I did not like dieting and feeling deprived.

I had to admit that I needed help. I did indeed receive the help I asked for and, thankfully, I was desperate enough to accept that help.  I was terrified that I could be fat and struggling for the rest of my life.  I felt as if my life was over if this is what it was going to be like.  When I heard the message of hope and that there may be another way, I listened up. I heard success stories of major weight loss.  I heard and saw happy, healthy fellows who shared their stories about recovery.  A weight was lifted off my shoulders as I heard of a solution. 

I made a decision to ask for and get a sponsor.  I magically became teachable and willing to try.  I read some of the literature and took the survey on food addiction.  I started journaling, meditating and praying.  I phoned members in my group and others outside of the country.  I bought a scale to weigh and measure my meals. I bought the FA book.  I started reading the book and stories out of the connection magazine.  I took quiet time and followed the suggestions of my sponsor.  I was told, “It works if you work it in twelve-step programs.”  Therefore, I consciously choose to work it every day.

I am now at less than 120 lbs. (54.43 kilos).  I lost over 100 lbs (45.36 kilos) in my first year.  I am right-sized and my obsession with food has been lifted one day at a time.  I love this program; what a gift it has been. Thank you FA for saving my life.  I strive for happy contented abstinence and my higher power never lets me down.  Today my heart is filled with gratitude!