I was very skeptical when I walked through the doors of my first FA meeting. I thought FA was too strict and too structured. I had contempt prior to investigation. Yet my obsession with food had been escalating since my first diet at 16 years old. I was a rollercoaster dieter. I would lose weight only to gain it back over and over again. For more than 40 years I had been trying to control my eating and my weight. Nothing had worked.
I am so glad I gave FA a chance. At first, I did what my sponsor and others suggested because I wanted to lose weight. Nowadays, I take suggestions because the results I’ve experienced from doing so are far beyond what I had ever dreamed possible. By working the FA program and surrendering to a power greater than myself, I have been graced with the gift of abstinence from addictive eating for over six years. I have been blessed with a normal-sized body for just over five years. That in itself is a miracle. The last time my body was a normal size I was 16 years old.
On Feb 6th, as I was reading the Twenty-Four Hours A Day book, I took time to recall my previous days and years of addictive eating and binging. I decided to paraphrase the Thought For the Day with my food addict version of “the corner tavern”. It was a powerful experience for me to write down my own personalized version as follows:
(An FA member’s paraphrase of the Feb 6th Thought For the Day reading from the Twenty-Four Hour A Day book)
On many a dark night, the bright lights of 24-hour supermarkets looked mighty inviting. Inside, there were my best friends and lovers (sugar, flour, and my favorite binge foods). I did not stop to think that if I went into the store I would probably end up in another binge that would lead to depression, remorse and regret, with money spent and an awful food hangover the morning after. Aisles and aisles of food in the relatively empty store looked like paradise waiting. But you should see the morning after in the secret confines of my home. The trashcan and my bed were full of empty wrappers, cartons, and bags. If I passed out before stuffing down everything I had purchased, half-eaten remnants and crumbs lay next to me in bed. I would wake up feeling self-hate and depressed from yet another binge that I swore I would never do again. I could not believe I had done it again. All I would want to do was pull the covers over my head and make the world go away. It would be so hard to overcome inertia and get ready to go to work. I had no motivation. Finally I would get up and get going. I would push away my feelings and launch into my people-pleasing, responsible good girl mode. I would get ready for work with firm resolve that today would be different. And I believed it each time. By nighttime my resolve had disappeared. Where did it go?!! The terrible cycle would begin once again with another seductive secret affair in the late night hours starting at another 24-hour supermarket or grocery store.
For more than six years I have not woken up in the morning with that same remorse, regret, and depression that was so familiar prior to FA. Working the FA program one day at a time I have not felt compelled to take secret visits to any 24-hour food places in the middle of the night.
I have come to appreciate that my excess weight was just the tip of the iceberg. Through working the twelve steps in an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the 12 steps) and following the program of action suggested by the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, my relationships with others and with a power greater than myself have improved remarkably. I feel more peace and contentment in my life today than ever before.