I had a boyfriend when I came into FA. After a year of being abstinent, it became clear that we needed to end the relationship. My boyfriend and I had been together for four years, and the fear, doubt, and insecurity was intense when I went through that breakup. I used my FA program like a lifeline in order to stay abstinent.

My sponsor suggested a “no dating” commitment in order for me to discover who I was without a boyfriend. I came to realize how much having a boyfriend had masked my insecurities. I studied the Twelve Steps and worked my Program without dating. I developed many crushes on unhealthy men, but refrained from acting out on my feelings. I was still quite sick emotionally and spiritually. I have a lot of fear and, in the end, found it easy not to date, as I had not had many boyfriends.

After I had five years of abstinence, a fellow encouraged me to start dating online. My sponsor agreed it was time. I was terrified. My resistance was so strong. My fellow was very straight with me, saying she’d observed me over the years and felt it was really time to put myself out there. I prayed and took the next right action, which was to create a profile on a dating website.

I chatted with different guys before actually meeting any of them. When I finally organized my first live date, I had done all the footwork. My sponsor gave me her formula for dating: first meet for coffee or tea for 45 minutes to one hour. Then politely thank the man for the date and make an exit. She suggested that no matter how much fun I was having, I should weigh and measure the time. She said that if he wanted to see me again, he would ask me out again. That was a great suggestion for someone like me, who has no boundaries. In the past, if I was having fun on a date, I could spend two days with the guy.

I asked my sponsor if I should mention FA and my Program. She thought there was no need to go into details about FA, and that I should simply meet up and talk. With time, if the relationship progressed, I could share more about my food addiction.

I went on my first date and it was almost comical. I ordered my soda water and he commented on my not drinking coffee and that he admired how healthy I was.

He then told me that he was advised to avoid foods with sugar and flour and was trying to cut down in this area. Being the compliant FA member I was, I said, “Oh, okay,” and didn’t tell him about my relationship with food or about my FA program. I had been so nervous. I felt it was God smiling down, giving me this dating experience.

I went on more dates, and I dated a guy who, when I revealed why I didn’t eat sugar and flour, confessed he was bulimic. I was able to be of service and give him the FA website details. He actually asked for them– this was God doing Twelfth-Step work for me.

God has definitely been present through my dating experiences. As the years have gone by, I’ve dated on and off. As I became more comfortable with who I am, keeping  conversation light, I have found the men have all been supportive of my FA program.

I can see the years of not dating and working on my abstinence has given me a quiet, confident, conviction about what I do and why I do it.

The last relationship I was in, my boyfriend loved how I ate and wanted to eat exactly as I do. He actually sold sugar and flour for a living! It was recovery for me, being six years abstinent, to be comfortable with the fact that he sold sugar and flour and not be afraid of that.

In my mind, I had felt insecure about being “different,” and thought no guy would accept my food addiction. My biggest fear about dating was that I wouldn’t find a man who would accept my program.

My current boyfriend has expressed how much he admires the way I eat and how he wishes he could do what I do. Who would have thought? The practice of dating and taking my sponsor’s suggestions have shown me that what I do is attractive. I am very grateful for the support I get in this Program.