My 90th day of abstinence happened to be on one of the biggest food days of the year, Thanksgiving Day. I have to admit I was a bit fearful going into that Thursday. I am so grateful for my sponsor who reminded me that Thanksgiving is in fact just Thursday. It is another day that I weigh and measure my food and work the tools of the FA program. Thank you God for the reminders I get from my sponsor and from my fellows that there is no answer in the food. Food is no longer for comfort, entertainment, company, relaxation or any of the other nouns I’d use to justify eating addictively.
For many years I have struggled with my abstinence and with the willingness to work the FA program. I thought that I could do the things I wanted to do each day and leave the rest. I had forgotten that half measures avail me nothing and spent years wanting desperately to have contented abstinence; I just couldn’t get there because I never worked the program fully. I thought that some sort of magic fairy dust would fall over me and make me abstinent. There isn’t any magic to staying abstinent. It is simply working this program on a daily basis. There were many times when I had to get on my knees and ask God to help me not go back to my active addiction. This time around I learned that there would be times that I may want to eat (I am a food addict) and that is okay. I have God and the tools to get me through. Instead of picking up food, I pray, make a call, take extra quiet time, read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or the FA book. Sometimes it’s just taking a few minutes to let a food thought pass. Before I never allowed the food thoughts to pass. Instead I rushed to put something in my mouth.
Getting my 90 days again after a long time of dishonesty and eating was not an easy task. Getting abstinent after lying to my sponsor for over a month wasn’t easy. I was so worried that she would let me go, worried because I had gained weight and not lost, ashamed that I just could not “get” this program. I had to rely on my higher power to get through it. Getting honest was hard but not as hard as staying in the food when I knew that there was a better way. This program is truly the solution for a food addict like me. During my first 90 days of abstinence I found a strange lump in my neck, interviewed for several new jobs, traveled twice and, thank you God, I did not eat through any of it. I learned that even when scary things happen, I could trust that my higher power would take care of me. Everything will be okay if I don’t eat. My higher power is always there to provide strength and to help me. I just had to ask. Not eating is the most important thing that I do today. It gives me a life. I am able to connect with God, my fellows, and people in the world. When I take my will back I am completely cut off from all people, places and things, I only exist to put more food in my mouth. I don’t see the good in my life or in other people or circumstances. When I’m abstinent I can be grateful for everything, no matter how small. I see life getting better instead of worse.
One area of my program that has transformed because of willingness is my attitude toward going to AA meetings. Since moving on the frontier (no FA meetings in my area) I really struggled to connect to AA meetings but now I see them as essential. Instead of seeing the differences between us, I now see that we are the same. These meeting have kept me out of the isolation of being on the frontier. Speaking of isolation, I now know the only reason I will ever feel alone or lonely in this program is by choice. There is always someone available by phone. I can call internationally if I need to. Thank you God there are food addicts all over the world working this program, willing to take my call and support my recovery.
As a person who has had a lot of breaks in the program I can truly say that abstinence is possible, one day at a time, if I ask God for help, work my tools and don’t put anything in my mouth. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but every moment of abstinence is worth it! I am also making peace with my journey. Yes I’ve had breaks and spent years trying to find an easier way but that is what it took to bring me to my knees.