Before I joined FA, I was willing to go to any lengths to get what I wanted. I would manipulate, overspend, overindulge, overeat, over caffeinate, and overdo everything, always chasing after a hit. I wanted to feel good all of the time.

I used to spend hours looking for what I thought would sooth me and remove my constant discomfort. I walked the aisles of grocery stores, farmer’s markets, Target, and BJ’s, searching for the perfect treats, wondering, What is going to hit the spot?  I bought foods that I remembered loving in the past, but for some reason they stopped working. I tried new foods, funky concoctions, and greater quantities of foods I loved.  I drove far out of my way, walked long distances, and showed up late to events just to get foods that were my drug of choice.

But nothing worked. My life continued to shrink, my depression became greater, and my passion became smothered by the toxic foods I put into my body. I was empty inside and disconnected from the world. I was a blob of a mess. I was desperate. I had hit bottom.

Through a friend,  In a matter of weeks, my food fog lifted, my life grew, my passionate internal fire was re-stoked, and I felt amazing. I had a freedom from the obsession with food that I had never experienced before.

After successfully working the FA program for two years in the Bay Area, where meetings were abundant and the combined amount of recovery there of all the members equaled a bazillion years, I decided to move to the south of Israel, to a small city in the desert called Arad. I enrolled in a program to study Hebrew and work on my art. I was scared to move from my safe haven to a place that not only didn’t have any FA meetings and fellowship, but was a three-hour bus ride to the closest English Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. I wasn’t even in the same time zone as anyone else in FA. But with the clarity from my Higher Power and the encouragement of my sponsor and fellows, I knew that I could successfully live in a foreign country and stay abstinent.

My living conditions were rustic for this five-month period of time. I had a tiny refrigerator and two burners that I had to share with a roommate. No oven, no microwave. I had to buy groceries often and I did so with gratitude.

While living in Arad, I was willing to do whatever it took to stay abstinent. I was incredibly diligent with my tools and went above and beyond to protect my abstinence.  While I continued to do a half-hour of quiet time every morning, I also did an extra 15 minutes after lunch and another 15 minutes before bed. This helped me to stay connected to my Higher Power throughout the day. I read Alcoholics Anonymous every night before bed and made phone connections with fellows around the world every day. I participated in a weekly phone AWOL.  I listened to AA podcasts that I downloaded for free so I could listen while grocery shopping, on walks in my neighborhood, while folding laundry, and on bus trips.

Every Wednesday night at 7 p.m, I read the FA meeting format. At the point when the leader is asked to qualify, I read from the connection magazine. At the end of this private weekly “meeting,” I wrote about what I read and how it related to me.  Every other week I packed up enough food for three days and took the three-hour bus ride to Jerusalem on Thursday afternoons. I attended three meetings, stayed with AA fellows, participated in my weekly phone AWOL meeting, and returned to Arad on Saturday night. After three days in Jerusalem, I felt full of Program and recovery and was ready for class again on Sunday mornings.

I am eternally grateful for the willingness I had to go to any lengths to protect my program. Of course, I had days when I was frustrated and could spin out into a self-pity party for being isolated, and would be resentful that I had to pack up so much food for trips. But for me, the gifts of the program outweigh the hardships.