After years of being trapped in a pattern of relapse, I realized that I had to learn how to live life on life’s terms if I was going to stay abstinent. I had heard that numerous times in my years in FA, but this time what that really meant got through to me. It meant that no matter what feeling was overwhelming me, it was not a reason to put anything in my mouth.
Getting abstinent was hard. I was not “struck” abstinent with the cravings lifted and a pink cloud, like I had heard of other people’s experience. Instead, I felt raw and sensitive and had cravings for the first year, but I worked my program and, by God’s grace, I didn’t eat. One experience at a time, I walked through fears of not being enough and the disappointments of not getting to do everything I wanted to. I learned how to embrace the joys of life and also how to manage the initial frustrations of living within the boundaries that supported my abstinence. I had no idea that each experience was building my “stay abstinent no matter what” muscle.
After years of not eating, no matter what, I had a sense of what that commitment meant. And then I was put to the test when my new husband announced that he no longer loved me, nor did he want to be married anymore. I was devastated and felt blindsided, angry and broken-hearted. The miracle was, after all of those years of learning how to tolerate incredible discomfort without eating, my abstinence and my program became an anchor. My life was changing at dizzying speeds and my quiet time, meetings, outreach calls, prayer and meal times helped me to stay grounded and not spin out of control into food addiction. I practiced trusting God in the midst of all the uncertainty; that meant staying abstinent no matter what.
During the next seven years, I experienced learning how to trust again. I started dating and kept my focus on God and my commitment to stay abstinent through all the ebbs and flows of life. Changing jobs, moving, going on vacations, chronic illness, visiting family; it was all possible with recovery as my anchor.
My heart has mended and my life is now so very good. Recovery has remained my foundation, and nearly a year and a half ago I met someone and am showing up to a beautiful new relationship abstinently. Just after falling in love, my boyfriend had a ruptured brain aneurysm and nearly died. “Trust God and stay abstinent no matter what” was my daily practice. Having no idea what would happen to him as we faced such huge odds, I did my best to stay in the day as I took abstinent meals to the hospital, leaving his side in ICU to eat on time in the hospital cafeteria. When the fear and grief tried to take over, my connection with God, my sponsor, my fellows and this incredible recovery pointed the way to hope and faith. My boyfriend has nearly fully recovered. He supports this program without question and I am incredibly grateful that I walked through the experience without checking out.
FA offers a level of recovery that I have not found anywhere else, and this clears the way for a deep and meaningful connection with God that guides my steps. I am incredibly grateful for all of my experiences, which have strengthened my endurance and instilled a great hope that it is truly possible to stay abstinent, no matter what.