“I would suggest eating out two or three times,” my sponsor said. 

Um what? Two or three times?! Was she serious? We eat out two or three times per day. She doesn’t understand. She just doesn’t understand the dynamic of my family vacations. This wouldn’t be possible, point blank. Nope, sorry. Not going to happen. Panic, anger, annoyance, and frustration set in. But mostly, panic, or as we might call it … fear. I didn’t totally lose it on the phone with my sponsor, but I did mumble something along the lines of, “alright, I guess I’ll just ask God for help.”

I thought, “There’s no way I can do that. I’m not sure if I’m willing. What would it be like? I’m going to miss out. People will judge me and this program. I borderline hate this program. It’s ruining my social interactions. If I eat out four times does that mean I’m horrible? What if I went four times? Maybe I can do that. Will my sponsor still work with me if I don’t take her suggestions? Well, maybe I’m better off with a different sponsor anyway.”

I’ve been abstinent for 21 months now. And in those 21 months the only “vacations” I’ve had were extended stays in the Boston area for two business conventions, one EAI weekend, and a long weekend away for an FA friend’s wedding. Reminiscing about this traditional family vacation from years past also brought up my total, complete, and sheer love of food. It was my everything! We would discuss what restaurant we’d be eating at for lunch at breakfast, and so on. This vacation was the good times. The fond memories, the home videos with deceased relatives laughing over our favorite New England meal, it was truly bliss. Never on these vacations had I sunk to the depths food addiction would later take me, though I was certainly gearing up for the dark bottom ahead.

After sharing all of this with my sponsor, of course her suggestion would be to limit the amount of meals at restaurants, but I was having such a hard time picturing it actually happening. I talked about it on phone calls, took it to quiet time, and asked God for help. But I was lacking that trust. Thank you God I wasn’t concerned about breaking my abstinence, but the fear of the family dynamic, timing of meals, how I was going to explain myself, etc, was gargantuan.

We arrived and on day one and my cousin immediately began of a list of the restaurants we had to go too. There were 14 of them. Each with a small box next to each name to check off and she proudly taped to the refrigerator.

“This is my nightmare,” I thought while I glanced and my mother with an awkward smile of terror. 

In preparation, I had brought plenty of abstinent food and had gone to the grocery store once we got there. That first night as the others were picking out restaurants, I sat frantically googling menu’s on my phone and awkwardly saying how a few of the potential spots wouldn’t work for me. But after they decided that we weren’t going to go out till 7:30-8pm, I spoke up. “You know, since I ate lunch at noon, I’m just going to fix myself dinner here before and then join you, so no worries about what time and where.” “Oh, okay,” my aunt responded. As I prepared my abstinent dinner, they did ask me some questions and I answered them without going into too much detail. Bottom line was, they didn’t really care as much as I thought they did.

There was a few more uncomfortable conversations throughout the week around food and eating out, but I survived and stayed abstinent. I think it was a bit hard for my mom because it just wasn’t like the old times. She did mention how much money she saved that week though! A few mornings I woke up early enough to drive to the ocean, watch the sunrise, and do quiet time. The first morning I saw the sunrise, my eyes welled. It felt like God was putting on a show for me. It was so beautiful. I had never taken the time nor cared enough to go see the sunrise. What a spectacular show. I was able to attend an FA meeting and share my story with other food addicts. My sponsee was ironically vacationing in the next town up, so we attended an AA meeting together, shared an abstinent meal, and I was able to meet her family. I lived in recovery and took action despite how I was feeling. 

Negative thinking towards my mother came up full force. There’s a part of me that still blames her for my food addiction and unmanageable life, but luckily, since I was abstinent, I could talk to my sponsor, write, and pray.  I ate out abstinently twice. Twice! I couldn’t believe it. And this is where I need to recognize that a Higher Power is working in my life because of my own will, I would not have had the willingness. Thank you God for FA.