At 58 years old, I believed I had no choice but to die of obesity. I knew I would have a heart attack or a stroke and, if I were lucky, it would be fatal. Or I would eat until I exploded. There was no other way out.

I walked into an FA meeting late and sat in the last row, nervous and hopeless. As I sat in my seat the woman next to me gave me a smile. I don’t remember a lot that was said at the meeting but I remember that smile. I felt welcome and at home.

I might not remember what was said, but I know I heard hope in that meeting, hope that I didn’t have to die from food addiction, that I had another choice. I learned of another meeting the next night and I committed to someone that I would go.

That next meeting was a week before Easter. I knew FA was about not eating flour and sugar, so I had no intention of getting abstinent until after Easter. I had my menus planned and an Easter basket for my kids (who were 31 and 23 at the time.)  I wanted the contents, not them. At the break a woman came up to welcome me and asked if I had a sponsor. I said to myself I do not want one yet! She said she could sponsor me and I thought, Oh, darn, maybe this is God hitting me on the head. Maybe she won’t be available to sponsor me in a week.  I accepted and called her early the next morning to start my journey in FA.

I did well in the beginning and within a year and a half had lost 149 pounds, to reach my goal weight. I felt hopeful and well. About three years later I stopped doing my tools and eventually had a relapse. It took me a year to get my abstinence back.  I kept going to meetings, even though I was constantly gaining weight. I regained 99 pounds and hated myself once again. I kept working with my sponsor and going to meetings. I knew that FA was the only solution for me and if I left the meetings I would never have any hope of putting my food addiction into remission.

Why did I keep going to meetings?  Because I knew if I stopped I would die from food addiction. The meetings gave me hope and I needed that hope. I was able to see myself in members’ stories and hear their recovery, which gave me recovery. I became abstinent again and began to lose weight. I went to meetings and continued to work with my sponsor and work the tools of the program to the best of my ability.  I continue to ask God for help.

I have learned as much during my relapses as from my periods of abstinence. The obsession with food was so much stronger with each break. It is definitely a progressive disease.  I have to be diligent with my tools and work my program every day. The rewards are great and the hope does not go away.

I have been abstinent seven months now and have started to sponsor again. What is different this time? I am doing my tools, including praying to God daily, and am actively in an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps). I am at peace with the food and not constantly craving flour and sugar. I do not need to be ashamed of what I am eating. My relationship with my husband is better. I do not look for all his faults. I am grateful for this program and abstinence.

It all started with willingness and the power of a stranger’s smile. When I see a newcomer, or someone returning to Program, I can offer them the welcoming smile I received.