I have always been single and independent, and I thought I was “terminally unique.” I came into FA, got abstinent right away, and starting working the program. As time went by, I became more and more unwilling to share what was going on with my life.

I had a couple of breaks in abstinence in FA, which I considered minor, because each time I slipped, I started back the very next day. I released about 65 pounds, studied the Twelve Steps in an AWOL meeting, went to meetings, called my sponsor, and had sponsees. I had arrived.

But I wasn’t weighing and measuring with vigilance. Whether my scale said 4.1 or 5.9, I thought, What’s the big difference? I wasn’t taking a full 30 minutes of quiet time every day, I made calls—on occasion, I didn’t share what was really going on for me, and I prayed without intention. I was getting more and more sloppy with my program.

I knew how to look good and speak the language of FA. I gave my sponsees directions, which I wasn’t following. Sugar-free flavors started going into my hot drinks, and my disease told me it was okay. I drank things that might have been okay, but I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. My disease (my “lower power”) said to me, “Some FA members drink this.” I had perfected denial and lying. I would lie through omission, manipulation, or just straight not telling the truth.

Of course, I hit bottom with these behaviors, and I became more and more isolated. The situation came to a head the night I completed my AWOL. I walked out of a room of over 60 people and did not say a word to anyone. I had not made any connections during the entire two-and-a-half years.

The following week, I got the spiritual courage to ask my Higher Power for help. I prayed for change and the ability to get honest. My prayers were answered. All I had to do was acknowledge and accept what I was (and wasn’t) doing, and then ask for help from my Higher Power and my fellows. I had to get vulnerable!

My program has changed dramatically, and my life is changing slowly. I am now looking at all aspects of my recovery, including my family relationships and the financial behaviors that were not those of a person in recovery. I am practicing honesty on a level that I have never experienced. It is not perfect, and some days are better than others, but I am now a part of the FA experience of staying abstinent and getting closer to my Higher Power.