I came into FA just before the holidays. I found quite quickly that I was going to have to unlearn a lot of things if I was going to continue to be abstinent.

When I came into FA, it initially felt like food was chasing me. I had always eaten more or less unconsciously (face falling on food). It was a really a new thing not to turn to food whenever I wanted to. I had cravings and became very fearful when feelings came up that I used to push down with food, alcohol, or pills. Often these feelings came in a flood, and I would feel alone and in a weird emotional state, often thinking about eating or leaving Program as the only solution.

Leaving FA seemed like an option when my head was chattering, “It’s just a matter of time. You are not going to be successful anyway. You never have. Get it over with. Just do it!” I hadn’t been in FA long enough to realize that a new and better world in recovery existed on the other side of those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

My first Thanksgiving in recovery is a memory that still sticks in my mind as a real “first” for me. I have much gratitude for my sponsor, who had me call her on the holiday. I hadn’t foreseen any problems and thought that calling on the holiday was a bit of overkill. (This was coming from someone who, in reality, could not visualize having the holidays without stuffing myself.)

I had gone to my in-laws, and I was not used to being “out” around people with my weighed and measured food. Luckily my sponsor understood possible triggers much better than I did at the time. She had helped me work out my weighed and measured food for the day, which I put in the refrigerator when I got there. When I sat down to eat in front of a spread of food, I had a few moments of debate about whether to get out my food or whether to dig into the food on the table. Thanks to my Higher Power, I chose to eat my weighed and measured meal.

It has always stuck with me how good it felt to wake up the next day feeling abstinent and clean. It also gave me appreciation for the fact that doing what always felt natural to me had not really worked, and had kept me stuck in some pretty self defeating behavior. I am relieved that 10 years later and 165 pounds lighter, I can share that there is a better alternative to eating and leaving FA at holiday time.