Before I came into FA, I was miserable. I weighed 297 pounds. I thought I was crazy, because every moment of my life was consumed with food; it was all I could think about. I looked forward to going to the grocery store, and I lived for cooking and baking. I read recipes whenever possible so I could plan my next cooking binge.
Several years before I came into Program, I began to eat “healthy.” I became a nut about low-fat and low-calorie foods, and I bought any cookbook that dealt with this type of cooking. My mom was diabetic, so I also bought diabetic cookbooks and subscribed to several diabetic cooking magazines.
The highlight of my life was a trip to the grocery store. I would travel across town to Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s because they carried “healthy” foods. I justified their sugar and flour items as okay because they were made with all natural ingredients. I truly thought that I was doing the right thing, but I was still miserable and food was still controlling my life. I would go to open markets to get the freshest foods possible. I was still spending most of my time obsessing about what I was going to eat, how I was going to prepare it, and when I was going to eat it. I only ate certain combinations of foods. There were foods I could never eat together or serve at particular mealtimes.
Two years ago I came into FA and my life had to change. My sponsor gave me a very simple food plan, and I had a hard time letting go of how I prepared food. If my sponsor gave me an inch, I took a yard. There was one condiment that some people eat in Program as long as there is no sugar in it. I began to read every label on the different types of this condiment. If it had no sugar, I bought it. I looked forward to going to an area in the grocery store to see if there was a new kind to buy. I also began to read spice labels, and as long as there was no flour or sugar listed, I bought them. I would use them on everything. I withheld this information from my sponsor. I felt that it was okay because they contained no flour or sugar.
I realized that I was obsessing about food and about how I was preparing it. The obsession was in full swing and began to take over my life again. I couldn’t wait to cook my weighed and measured foods. What spice was I going to use? I found myself combining different spices and making my own “blends.” One day I looked at my collection of spices and it hit me…I am a food addict and I am engaging in addictive behavior with my spices. I prayed, came clean with my sponsor, and stopped using the condiment and spices in that way.
My foods were then truly simple, but this didn’t last. After a few months, I began to use more of the “extras” again—only a little one day, then the next even more. I looked at my thoughts behind using them and felt my obsession with them was under control. I then added several kinds of salt-free spices when my doctor cut my salt back. I kept this up for some time.
One day I was making outreach calls, talking to someone with whom I eat fellowship meals before our meetings. She asked me if I was in a place to talk about something she had been observing. I had no problem with this, as I value her opinion. She told me that she noticed that I have this ritual of using stuff on my food. I had to listen and evaluate how much I was using and my feelings around using them. I discovered that I did have an attachment to them. When I thought of not using them, panic set in. I knew right then and there that I needed to talk to my sponsor.
This truly is a cunning and baffling disease. Even after two years in Program, I found out how easy it is to pick up an attachment to certain foods. I am grateful that I have opportunities like this that remind me how simple it is to pick up bad habits around food. I am a food addict and always will be. Today I weigh 147 pounds, thanks to Program and my Higher Power, and my food is truly plain, simple, and satisfying.