At my first FA meeting, I felt uneasy not knowing what to expect. Little did I know that the experience of that night would turn my entire life right-side up. How could a group of people whom I never met before eloquently explain the “demons” that I had fought for the past twenty years. How? In that cozy room, at last there were people who knew of the madness of my obsession with something as seemingly innocuous as food.
At the edge of my seat, I began to breathe slower and listen more intently as the details of my secret life unfolded through those who shared stories. Speakers spoke of the powerlessness and hopelessness of being a food addict. I started to understand that those “demons” that I battled were due to an illness, and the uncontrollable cravings for food were no match for me. At the meeting’s end my mind was saturated with helpful new information and I was filled with hope.
During subsequent meetings I was troubled by the possibility that I could very well be constitutionally incapable of grasping the program…one of the “unfortunates.” I was not fairing well. My willpower was nearly exhausted by week two in the FA program. My sponsor informed me that I needed a Higher Power in order to make recovery possible. That statement disturbed me. No way could I tell my sponsor that I had no Higher Power. In fact at that point I had no one but myself to rely on. With a cloudy mind, I anguished. Where and how was I going to get a Higher Power? I was floored and cried much.
What had I done to delude myself into believing that I alone could manage a recovery without help from a Higher Power? I felt unbelievably stupid. But over the course of four months, I dethroned myself, claimed faith in my Higher Power, and began to use some of the FA tools. I also began the process of surrendering to my Higher Power, moment by moment, and honestly committing my food to my sponsor. I had been dishonest with the food plan that my sponsor had laid down. Completely surrendering to a Higher Power and actually listening and taking suggestions from my sponsor had not been easy for me.
Then something interesting evolved. The closer my relationship developed with my Higher Power, the more apparent it became to me that I needed to fully embrace and understand the FA program and rely on my fellows for support along the road of recovery. Members of FA helped me to understand the concepts of surrendering and using my Higher Power for help to give me the willingness to recover from food addiction, help in guarding my abstinence, and support in not letting “technical slips” discourage me. I was grateful to my Higher Power that my sponsor did not abandon me during my early months of transistioning. In time I was able to surrender more and more to my Higher Power, commit all my food to my sponsor, and follow the program. I felt an amazing sense of peace. My faith and trust in my Higher Power was off the chart.
Every time I had to reboot to day one of abstinence, I learned something new about myself and my need for a Higher Power. I did not get sick in mind, body, and spirit overnight. For me, recovery was to be a progressive process. After six months in FA, I am—just for today—still willing to stay on the road to recovery, and I am doing well.
I recall an amazing event which took place recently while flying from the west coast to the east coast. The pilot flew the airplane through turbulence while I was eating my dinner. I forged ahead and completed the meal even though I was terrified, with the airplane rocking and rolling at 33,000 feet in the air. I still surrendered to my Higher Power and thought of FA tools. Before FA, my response would have been to stop eating and grab a bag of something to calm myself. Now I am utterly convinced that I am not constitutionally incapable of grasping the FA program because I am “willing” to stay in recovery. I am not one of the unfortunates. No way! I 58 pounds slimmer, and I am at ease.