I always thought I was a free spirit, spontaneous, unique, unfettered by boring structure, and a person who marches to her own drummer. That may have been true, but I was also incredibly undisciplined, irresponsible, and plagued by procrastination and self-hatred for all the times I failed to follow through on my intensions. I thought that my main problem was my weight, and that if I lost it my life would straighten out.

Before FA, I had injured myself many times over the years through general wear and tear, trying to haul my 255 pounds up stairs, and trying to keep up with younger, thinner, fitter friends in power walking or exercising. To get rid of the pain, I would go to various health practitioners, and they would give me exercises to do, but I was never able to follow through on these. Like many addicts, I came to believe that the fault lay with the practitioner, certainly not with me. I told myself that physiotherapy just didn’t work.

I also was a pathetic housekeeper. Having two cats and a dog meant my house often smelled bad. I was not careful about cleaning the kitty litter and, although I meant to, the dog didn’t get bathed regularly. I had a big aquarium that gave me much pleasure, but I neglected it by letting the water sit too long before changing it. I would be racked with guilt, and my daughter would tell me I wasn’t being a good fish steward—that my fish would get sick. I almost got rid of the fish because I couldn’t stand the guilt. I told myself that aquariums were just too much work. Besides, I thought the drudgery of housework was for boring housewives, not on-the-go people like me. Secretly I felt like a failure on the domestic scene.

Being a hippie in the 60s and 70s, I wanted desperately to find the spiritual life that I saw/read about in those days. I’d tried one discipline after another, but I could not stick to anything. I even tried organized religion, but discarded that. I wanted to be spiritual and to meditate, but just couldn’t seem to follow through on any of these good intentions.

Besides having a major resentment towards my older sister, I just did not want to spend any time with her. She is 13 years older that me and I felt we had nothing in common. I really wasn’t interested in finding out if I was wrong about that. I had heard that the person who wishes for world peace but who “hates his brother” is a hypocrite, and I hated myself for this.

At one time in my disease, I was so irresponsible that I quit paying bills on time and I sold a beautiful antique table and chairs set that my family had in storage. I couldn’t get them back. I blamed the company, of course. I thought they had no right to keep it, and besides, I was depressed and couldn’t be held responsible. Inside though, I was so ashamed.

After joining FA and losing 100 pounds, something started to change in me. I realized for the first time that the weight and food were not my only problems. My road to hell was paved with good intentions and just being thin wasn’t going to save me. The shift was slow and I didn’t notice it at first, but after studying the Twelve Steps in a few AWOLs, I saw a change. It started when I actually got brave enough to look into the corners of my large house that I had not looked at for ten or more years. I actually found a bag of children’s clothes and toys that I had confiscated when my oldest child was about eight; she was 23 at the time! I started to clean up these forgotten areas, much like I was looking at and cleaning out the secret areas of my life.

Today is different, and I can thank FA and the Twelve Steps for that. I have re-established my own credibility. If I say I am going to do something, I can usually follow through. I do the exercises that my physiotherapist recommends (to great effect, as I now understand that I am responsible for my current good health and fitness). I clean the kitty litter daily, the fish water is changed weekly, prayer and meditation is the natural start to my day, and my bills are paid on time. After letting go of my resentment toward my sister, I arranged for several weekends together to organize old family photos, and we have both truly enjoyed our time spent together.

These are only a few small examples, but they are part of the huge shift from an undisciplined life to a life that has structure and a foundation. I am starting to trust myself to do what I say I’m going to do.

Am I perfect? Hardly! You will still find a coiled-up vacuum cleaner hose living in its favourite spot beside the piano. I still have several years of family photos to organize into binders. My marriage is not at all what I had hoped for. But when I look at where I came from, I am eternally grateful. I wake up with a smile, and a prayer to have a useful day. I know that as long as I live and continue to work the Twelve Steps and follow the FA tools, I will not only have the opportunity to learn and grow through the ups and downs of this life, I will be able to add new routines and disciplines to the foundation this program has given me.