Being active in food addiction kept me from really living a full life and having deep meaningful relationships with people. I preferred to have relationships with characters on TV or random people I met while traveling. I never had a committed, healthy romantic relationship before I came to FA. Truthfully, I am not sure why. Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt, hurting someone else, or being abandoned. I thought nobody would really love me if they got to know me. Food was my closest companion and it kept me isolated.
Then I got abstinent, my heart opened and softened, and I fell in love and got married. Boom! All was perfect, right? Wrong! There were so many times I wanted to run, not into someone else’s arms, but to my old life of living by myself. It was quieter, simpler, and easier. But I knew it was just my disease talking.
Thankfully, I didn’t run, because now I see I am in a wonderful, healthy relationship that is beautiful. The fears are still there, but with god’s help and the FA fellowship, I am slowly understanding what it means to truly let someone in and not to be so self-centered.
After a year or so of marriage came talk of having a baby. I never felt so terrified in my life. I’m not sure I can even articulate how paranoid and obsessed I was about the idea of giving birth and becoming a parent. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that after trying to get pregnant for a while and having one miscarriage, I ended up going back to day one in Program. I was spiritually off the beam and really saw how fear still owned me. I was still abstinent from flour and sugar, but that’s just one part of my recovery. What about the mental and spiritual components?
After waiting a year, we started trying again. I’ll never forget calling my sponsor in a total panic, when I was sitting outside of the building before one of my IVF procedures. I was so scared. She simply suggested I ask god for help to direct me about whether or not I should go through with the procedure. I took a minute and, as always, that quiet peaceful feeling inside was there. I knew I wasn’t going to let fear make decisions in my life.
As I sit and write this story, I feel my little my baby gently kicking inside my belly. It’s so cute that sometimes I find myself laughing out loud when he/she gets really active. I still can’t believe I am 23 weeks pregnant. I am still scared, but I know that god is in charge, and a day at a time I am turning all my fear, doubt, and insecurity over to him.
I am overcome with gratitude for this recovery. In disease I wanted to die, numb out, run, and avoid being uncomfortable on all levels. Because I am not eating addictively and am trusting god a day at a time, I have the opportunity to walk through my fears and make it to the other side, which I am finding out is rather enjoyable! FA has truly given me a chance to live and give life.