I have been in some form of physical pain almost every day for over 22 years. For many of those years, I tried to numb the pain with food, but once the food was gone, the pain came back. I’m not even sure if the food helped with the pain, but it was a temporary distraction. As long as I was focused on shoveling food in my face, I didn’t have to focus on the pain. Being obese was certainly not helpful, considering most of my pain was in my back and hips. Carrying around an extra 120 pounds (54.5 kilos) is never a good idea.
I’ve been in FA now for five-and-a-half years. Aside from a few breaks, none of which, thank you God, took me out of FA, or led to a long relapse, I have been blessed with strong recovery, and life has improved in many areas. My relationships with my family are strong, and my job and career are in a good, yet ever-changing place. I am blessed with wonderful fellows and friends, am generally healthy, and I have some money in the bank. I worry much less, and am able to handle the challenges of life’s ups and downs with dignity, grace, and self-respect. The insane voice in my head is usually pretty quiet. I don’t obsess over food or my weight. Life, in general, is good.
The only area in my life that hasn’t gotten much better is my physical pain. Since I came into FA, I have had three surgeries, countless injections, and endless weeks and months of physical therapy. I have spent periods of time on crutches, and recently was put on bedrest. As someone who is used to exercising 4-5 times a week, being immobile has not been easy, physically or mentally. Most days when I wake up, I feel pain immediately. Even merely walking is sometimes a chore.
Often I find myself asking God, “Why?” After all of these years, after everything I’ve tried to do to resolve my pain, I can’t understand why I continue to suffer. I even had the same surgery twice, thinking the second time would work.
Fortunately, by the time I’ve gotten to the “Why me?” conversation, my sponsor or a fellow has brought it to my attention. I love this program so much because my fellows allow me to have my feelings, they listen to and validate them, and then help me to let go of feelings of self-pity and self-centeredness. Usually what follows is a suggestion to do service – to make a phone call, go to a meeting, or write an article for connection. It doesn’t usually take the pain away, but it takes the focus off of me. Program has taught me that I’m usually my best self when my attention is off of myself and on something or someone else.
My sponsor often suggests that I ask God how I can be best used for each 24 hours. I’ve learned to pray as selflessly as I can. Instead of asking God to remove my pain, I ask for my pain to be tolerable or I ask to be able to get through my workday with as little pain as possible. I ask God where he wants me for the day, and I look for ways to be of service to others and try to use humor to get through rough times. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I just have to cry and release some emotion, and I know that’s okay too.
Most importantly, because of FA I have managed to get through each 24 hours, often in constant pain, without using food as a drug. Food is never the answer to any of my problems. I am grateful that my obsession with food has been lifted, no matter what the circumstance, and that I have FA and my Higher Power to thank for that every day.