I had a beautiful baby and an amazing husband, and all I wanted was to be alone and eat. I couldn’t stop the crazy cycle of bingeing, purging, and laxative and exercise abuse.  At my worst, I took up to 60 laxative pills per week and vomited so violently that I burst the blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. I also manipulated my doctor into giving me prescriptions for antidepressants and other drugs that had weight loss as a side effect. Every time I finished a binge, I swore that the next day I would just eat normally. I vowed it was the last time. I would lay in bed at night, hating myself for not being able to control myself when it came to food. I lived a lie. On the outside I had a thin body. In public I ate normal portions, but behind closed doors I consumed massive volumes of food. I was miserable.

I came to FA after finding a flyer at the local public library. I lived within driving distance of a large number of FA meetings and could attend a meeting every day of the week if I wanted to. It wasn’t until I moved to a new state for my husband’s job that I began to appreciate what a gift it was to have FA meetings close by.

Today I work my program in an area with no FA meetings. When I first arrived on the “frontier [term previously used to describe an area far away from an established in-person FA fellowship],” I was very nervous about attending AA meetings. I worried that I wouldn’t be accepted, or that I wouldn’t be able to relate to the people there. At my first AA meeting, I was near tears as I sat in the parking lot making outreach calls.

At first I thought I couldn’t possibly get anything of value from this other fellowship because my drug of choice was food, not alcohol. My sponsor reminded me that I had earned my seat in the rooms of AA because the only requirement for membership in AA was a desire to not drink. As part of my FA program, I do not drink. When the meeting chairperson asked if anyone was attending the meeting for the first time, I gave my name and said, “I’m a food addict.” I felt so uncomfortable and was sure that I would be asked to leave, but after the meeting, people welcomed me and told me to keep coming back.

I know that I have to be around other addicts if I want to stay abstinent. But everything in me wanted to stay home and isolate, and at times I was flooded with feelings of fear, doubt, and insecurity. It was not always easy, and at one meeting I was told that some people had an issue with my presence. I made outreach phone calls and found another meeting. My higher power gave me the willingness to do things that I didn’t want to do, even when I felt uncomfortable.  I took the advice I was given at that first meeting and I kept coming back.

I was amazed at how much I’ve learned from AA meetings. I’ve learned to truly appreciate and live the Twelve Steps in a new way and that the gifts of true recovery can be reaped over a lifetime when you put down your drug of choice (in my case, food), one day at a time. I’ve learned that being in recovery is a daily choice, that I don’t have to be perfect, and I never graduate. I am reminded that my disease of addiction will kill me and rob me of the amazing life FA gives me. Today I live in true freedom.

When I returned back to my old FA fellowship for a visit, I wanted to be able to offer a gleaming report that I had started several meetings and that they were growing. This is not the case, but I am grateful and abstinent, and that means everything to me today. While I continue to pray for God to send me one willing person to start an FA meeting with, I know that growth will happen in God’s time and not in mine.

With the help of my higher power, I attend open AA meetings and participate in a telephone AWOL, where we are studying the Twelve Steps. I make it a priority to travel to an FA meeting at least once a month. I make lots of phone calls and use the telephone as a vital tool to stay connected to the FA fellowship. I am so grateful to the FA fellows from all over the world who find my name on the frontier list and make a point to call me with support and encouragement.