My son was born almost three years after I came into Program. I had been bulimic for about 12 years prior to my coming into FA. Before I got pregnant, I had some concerns about the impending weight gain and body changes, but I actually loved being pregnant and felt really healthy. The extra weight came off easily after my son was born, and I learned how to adapt my new schedule and responsibilities to fit with the tools and disciplines that supported my recovery.
But I had a break in my abstinence when my son was two. I was still using my tools, but not with the same vigor as I had before. I was having a hard time being a parent. I had unrealistic expectations for myself and for my son as well. I slipped into negativity quite frequently and started isolating, even though I was going to meetings and making phone calls. I knew I was “off the beam.” I was embarrassed about that, but felt helpless about changing.
I’ve heard that when we come to Program, we receive physical recovery first, followed by mental recovery, and then spiritual recovery, but that we lose these in the opposite order. This was definitely my experience. I remained physically abstinent for a long time, but it wasn’t enough.
My husband was out of town one weekend, and I spent a day and a half dragging my son from grocery stores to fast food restaurants, to gas stations. He doesn’t remember it, but I sure do. I still can’t imagine what our lives would have been like with me carting him around for food and looking for bathrooms every day. God willing, I’ll never have to know what it would be like.
I got back on track with my program, starting with the tools, but I also got really honest about how I was struggling with my parenting. One of many reasons that I am grateful for my FA fellowship is that today I know I don’t ever have to carry my life challenges alone. I don’t ever have to eat over these challenges either.
As my son has gotten older, our lives have gotten busier with his school and extracurricular activities. It seems like there’s some conflict every week with my meetings and his activities. I’ve missed open houses, karate tournaments, hockey games, Cub Scout events, and much more. My husband is willing to cover for me at these times because he knows how important my meetings are to my recovery.
Having a break was really humbling, but I learned from the experience. I learned that I prefer to be abstinent. Regardless of how much my disease tells me that sugar and flour are the answers to my life problems, I proved to myself once again that they provide no comfort, but plenty of misery. I also learned that my husband prefers me to be abstinent. After my break, he let me know that my abstinence is an integral part of our family life, and that he would support me in regaining my recovery, but that he couldn’t do it for me. And, I have found that the more time I dedicate to my program, the more time I have for my family. I may have less physical time to spend with them, but I’m far more present during that time than I ever could have been while in disease.
Being a parent and working the FA program can be challenging in many ways, but I’ve found that it’s definitely worth it. In fact, I don’t know how I could be a parent without FA. My son hasn’t complained very much over the years about my missing his activities or going out to meetings, though when he does complain, I usually feel pretty guilty. I’ve sometimes thought it would be easier if he knew about my active addiction and had lived with that kind of mom. While he might better understand why I spend this time away from him, I’m so grateful he hasn’t seen me that way or experienced the collateral damage of my food addiction. He has to just trust that this is the mom he’d rather have…the one who goes to meetings so she won’t steal all his Halloween candy or eat his food when he’s not looking. By missing me for a couple hours a week, he also gets to miss out on my cursing about having nothing to wear, lying about where I’ve been to cover up binges, or showing up late to everything because I was eating. I think that’s a pretty good tradeoff.