During one of the sharing sessions at an FA meeting, I heard someone say that she was in the right-size body until her mid-forties, and when she put down cigarettes, she took up food. Oh, I said to myself, what did I put down when I picked up food? All of a sudden, it dawned on me…my husband! Yes, in my mid-forties, when I divorced my husband, I gradually picked up food to quell the gnawing feelings of emotional insecurity, now that I felt I was alone in the world.

What a revelation this was for me! I’d spent several years counseling women on adapting to various transitions in life, like divorce, and I thought I had made it through that rough patch myself. However, I used food to treat myself on Friday nights when I felt lonely and, when I was feeling celebratory, I ate and drank wine.

I recently completed my second 90 days, after coming into FA, leaving a year later, and returning a year after that. I successfully lost weight the first time, but I was not convinced I was a food addict. I had an attitude of “this is not me” when I heard someone share. I kept a mental checklist, and I found few commonalities in the stories people shared. I was compliant, stayed for 14 months, and then decided I could continue on my own. I was wrong. When left to my own devices, I gradually returned to my old weight and found that I was miserable again.

So how is it different for me this time? This time, I know that I am a food addict. And when I first came into Program, I had convinced myself that I could have a life as a single person without making any changes and without facing my fears. I was also putting my work first in my life, instead of focusing on relationships and taking care of myself.

My sponsor has helped me to make changes. We discussed finances, and she encouraged me to refinance my house and look for a housemate. It took a while, but I accomplished both of these things, and my anxiety over finances lessened. My sponsor helps me take better care of myself by creating more consciousness around my work ethics that I hold so dear. I get enough sleep and eat good quality food, but I’m discovering these are only the basics. I am learning that I need people, and I need to have more intimate relationships. I know now that the very thing I fear the most is what I really need.

I can make real progress now that food is not my constant companion. This time, I am working my recovery around relationship building and finding more balance between work and free time. Who knows what joys lay ahead? It’s all new territory.