Before I found FA, I always thought that if something on the outside were different, I’d feel differently. There were a million “if onlys” relating to every single area of my life. If I weren’t overweight, people would like me, I would be popular, and I would have more friends. If I could fit into designer clothes, I’d be part of the “in” crowd and I’d have a boyfriend. Later on, I thought if only it were summer, I’d be happy. If only my mother had done it differently, I would be different. If only my friends would do as I suggested, I would feel differently or be a better friend.
A few days ago, I was talking to my sponsor. As has been the case during many of our phone calls over the last few years, the subject was my husband’s career. Over two years ago, when we had a small infant and my husband was getting a second legal degree, in tax law, he was laid off from his full-time job in a title insurance company doing commercial real estate transactions. Needless to say, getting a new full-time job as a new tax lawyer, or even as a seasoned commercial title insurance lawyer, has not been easy in this economy, despite all of the effort he has put into trying.
I said to my sponsor, “I know I sound like a broken record, but I was feeling down again yesterday. I’m tired of my husband not having a job.” And I added, “I have been saying subtle things lately to him that aren’t very nice.” I gave her some examples.
Her immediate response was to chuckle and say, “He has a job. He is a father” (my husband takes care of our 2 and 4 year-old girls during the day while I work). Then she suggested that I re-read Step Nine in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, which discusses making amends. Then she suggested a “change in thinking.”
I was reminded of the words in the serenity prayer, and guided to ask God for the courage to change the things I can—in this case, my thinking. I took my sponsor’s suggestions, and after my quiet time that morning, I read Step Nine.
As for the change in thinking…Throughout the day, I asked God for the courage and the power to change my thinking. I thought that what I was asking for was acceptance that my husband is unemployed and gratitude for the fact that my children have a stay-at-home parent. I asked for the courage to change my thinking from negative to positive about my husband’s unemployment.
As the day progressed, I felt less down, but nothing particularly profound happened. As I was walking out of the meeting that night though, I had an incredible awareness. Is this all really true? Could I paint the picture differently to myself and to others?
The fact is that my husband actually got a part-time job six months after graduation and works under an employment contract. He averages about 10 hours a week of work and makes more money on an hourly basis than I do. His boss depends on him. He also has been working on building his own law practice, and clients call him on a daily basis.
In addition to his contract work, my husband is actually working constantly—networking in a way I never did when I graduated from law school, going to alumni events, and pursuing lunch and coffee dates to develop professional relationships. He has recently volunteered to be a mentor for a new pre-law program at his undergraduate university.
In addition to all this, he does all of the things required of a stay-at-home parent, which are too many too name. Sometimes if he has to, he even gets dressed in a suit and takes our youngest daughter to a networking or business lunch when the older one is in preschool.
Talk about a change in my thinking! I expected after my sponsor’s suggestion, that I would simply be willing to have more acceptance. What I realized suddenly was that my thinking was so focused on the negatives that I wasn’t even seeing the actual facts.
I shared my realization with my husband yesterday. We read the acceptance page of the AA Big Book together so I could show him what I was talking about. It is interesting how I had forgotten all about the section about the man who was told in AA that he had the lenses in his glasses backwards, which prevented him for seeing the good qualities of his wife, Max.
As we were closing the book, he said, “Thanks for the talk earlier and trying to help me to think more positively.” So I guess I’m starting to make amends, too.
I am so grateful for my life. I have any amazing husband, my helpful sponsor, a program, and a God that actually works in my life. The sky has not opened up and rained money down upon me, and the big companies haven’t started calling my husband with job offers, but my thinking has completely changed, and I am seeing all of the facts now. And that, to me, is worth more than gold.