I was near my top weight when my oldest son was married in 1998. I was nearing my goal weight when my youngest son got married. The dresses that I wore are metaphors for my life before and after recovery.

Wedding #1

Shopping for a dress for my oldest son’s wedding was a painful experience. I knew that my future daughter-in-law needed to know what color I had chosen in order to continue with her planning, but the whole prospect of looking for something to fit me had me paralyzed. Here I was, near my top weight of 293 pounds, and I couldn’t even stand the pain of looking in the mirror. How many times had I faced a rack of clothes in the plus-size section and known that I was going to look hideous in any one of the things that I tried on? The hopelessness of selecting something that would fit on my body had me hating the whole idea of a wedding, in spite of the fact that I loved my future daughter-in-law and was extremely happy to have these two young folks begin a life together.

I finally found a dress. Size 24. It was a dark, hunter green dress with sheer sleeves to hide my arms (or so I thought).  I was so happy that I found something that would go around my body that I felt like I could just kiss the ground in the dressing room. Here I was happy to settle for anything. Here I was in a dark, drab dress. Just like how I felt about my life—dark, drab—and I was willing to settle for anything.

I was simply trapped in my addiction and in my huge body.  Although I was full of pain, I had no idea that I was an addict, and had no clue that there was a solution to my problem. I was totally hopeless. My world was small and very dark.

FA

My higher power led me to the doors of FA, in spite of myself. It was a true miracle. Food had me licked. I was so big that it felt like my skin had stretched to the popping point.

I got a sponsor that first meeting and was desperate enough to follow her suggestions exactly. Each day I did the same thing: I weighed and measured my food, got on my knees, turned my will and my life over to my higher power, and followed the FA program to the very best of my ability. I had to do this one day at a time and one step at a time, otherwise I’d be overwhelmed with the amount of weight I needed to loose. I was approaching my goal weight by the second wedding. Thank you God!

Wedding #2

The entire wedding experience was totally different when my youngest son was married. I had been in FA 16 months and was nearing my goal weight. I was full of excitement about the opportunity to shop for a dressy dress. Oh, how my life had changed.

I went into a bridal shop with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye, knowing that I could wear almost any dress that caught my fancy. As soon as the shopkeeper took me into the Mother-of-the- Groom area, I was struck by the difference in the wedding shopping experience. I remembered the hopelessness that I felt the last time I was shopping for a special dress.

Here was an array of dozens and dozens of light, airy colors—a virtual palette from which I could choose. The woman told me not to be discouraged about the sizing. She told me that the dresses ran very small, so even though I was an eight, I might have to wear a 10. I smiled to myself. She had no idea that I had never, in my wildest dreams, thought that I’d ever even see 200 pounds again, let alone be 140.

I tried on five or six dresses. The difficultly was in deciding which one made me look the most smashing! It was a new experience to look fabulous in every dress I tried on. I still, to this day, remember that feeling. I was free. My life was full of choices—light, airy, and full of beautiful colors.

When I walked down the isle, I almost felt like a bride in my powder blue long, fitted dress with a beaded jacket and mini train. I didn’t have to try to be invisible. I felt as though I could fully be present, physically, mentally, and spiritually for this very special occasion.

I could never have imagined that simply by weighing and measuring my food, and following the FA program just as it was laid out to me, that I could become someone so beautiful.

Soon I’ll have five years of continuous abstinence in FA. One day at a time, I joyously work my recovery and continue to experience a life second to none.

Yes, my body looks very different, but the most important thing for me is that I am as different on the inside as I am on the outside. My higher power has granted me the gift of willingness to fully embrace my recovery.