I am no longer morbidly obese. I am 44 years old, 5’4”, and weigh 129 pounds. I lost 135 pounds. I am a miracle. I always dreamed of being on this side of the story; not the one reading about a miracle but experiencing it. I would read of someone in a magazine that had lost 100 pounds. It seemed like winning the lotto. I had been playing the same numbers for over 20 years without any results. What was I missing? The answer is I was missing a Higher Power and a dedicated fellowship. I have now been a member of FA and abstinent for two years and it’s no longer a mystery. Anyone that does what I do in FA can get these results.  

My most vivid memory of my first job after high school is of the food truck where I ordered my breakfast and lunch. At the time, I lived off of two feelings: the feeling food gave me and the feeling attention gave me.  The more I indulged with food, the less attractive I felt. At first, I swung back and forth. I would go on a diet, lose a few pounds, get to almost my ideal weight, overeat, and regain the few pounds back. I got tired of this and began to eat more freely, wore looser clothes, and began to see a positive side to being fat; I didn’t get the unwanted attention that was frightening. I still hated myself for getting fat, but it was my protection. When I reached 175 pounds I decided it couldn’t get any worse and ate whatever I pleased.   

To maintain some self-respect I focused on getting an education. If I wasn’t the “hot” one I should be the “smart” one. I sought validation and worth in my intellect. But food was still how I comforted myself when disappointment in life inevitably came. In my group of friends I became the smart, asexual one, never interested in dating. I fell in love with my best friend.  We got married and I felt safe.  I was done with the whole appearance issue. 

With my education, I was on a roller coaster ride, I would do poorly in my classes, hate myself for it, eat, and work long hours to redeem myself.  Once I studied for a biochemistry final 36 hours non-stop.  I had a backache for a month after that. When I got accepted into graduate school, I went from 185 to 217 pounds in three months. The stress of moving across country and the fear I would be discovered for not being good enough, was paralyzing.  Food and the daily calls from my now husband got me through a lot of it.  Insidiously over time, what used to be enough food to bring me relief, was no longer enough and the quantities exploded. I was a sneaky and secretive addict. I ate healthy in front of others and indulged in private.   The food stripped me of my confidence and my dignity.  

At 264 pounds, with terrible knee pain and exhausted because of sleep deprivation, I asked my doctor for help. She asked if I was in control of my eating and without hesitation I said, “No.” She recommended FA and told me, “In a year, you will be your normal weight.” I came to an FA meeting and got started right away. I wanted to do this but I wanted to give up some control, not all.  It was very difficult for me when I realized I had to commit exactly what I was eating. I felt restrained.  I was now in a prison because I couldn’t control my eating by myself. FA seemed like punishment and I felt ashamed. So, in my daily prayer, I asked for humility to seek and accept guidance and to let go of my old ways. I knew my way didn’t work. I finally surrendered to abstinence.  

In FA, I’m learning to surrender all my troubles to my Higher Power, even food.  I am learning to do His will, to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive others. FA was the missing ingredient. Now I can surrender the food one day at a time.  Before FA, I had two masters, God and food. Today, I choose God as the guiding force in my life, my sponsor as my witness to that commitment, and FA as my roadmap.  Today I have freedom.