My son called me on a Tuesday evening and announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married 10 days later. “Wow!” was all I could say. Then, he told me they were having their reception on a date I couldn’t attend. I was quiet, but secretly I was sobbing at missing my son’s wedding reception. How could he exclude me? Doesn’t he want his own mother to be at the reception? were some of the thoughts racing through my mind. Thankfully, I had been in program long enough to stay silent when things upset me and to take it to my quiet time, my Higher Power, my sponsor, and my fellows, until a clear and peaceful answer came to me. The Just for Today quote “I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt but I will not show it,” was running through my head. After talking with my son for a short while afterwards about the wedding and reception plans, we hung up, and I burst into tears. I was heartbroken to miss such an important event.
I can’t say my relationship with my son has always been easy. While I was in active food addiction, he was in active alcohol addiction. He started drinking at thirteen, and by the time he was a senior in high school, he was sullen, moody, dishonest, and secretive. People told me about his drinking but I really didn’t want to hear it. Not my son. He couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic, I thought. The same level of denial I applied to own addiction, I applied to my son’s. While my son was working for AmeriCorps in Seattle, a mentor saw his suffering and brought him to AA. Luckily, he stayed and underwent the miraculous transformation that happens when people embrace a Twelve-Step program. Ten years later, he is open, honest, and willing to talk about the past and our relationship.
When I came into FA five years ago I was finally able to hear him. Rather than giving him directives, I learned how to speak to him in a way that opened up a dialogue. So when he said they were having the reception on a day I couldn’t possibly attend I simply said, “It would mean a great deal to me to be there. If you could change the date I would appreciate it but if not, I look forward to seeing the pictures.” During my quiet time, I was given the wisdom to not make it about me but about them and their wishes. I realized that I had my whole life with them filled with many holidays and celebrations. Missing one party wouldn’t diminish that.
Ten days later, they had a beautiful wedding. They asked me to help them arrange the space, the minister, the reception, and the lodging for them and two of their friends. My Higher Power worked overtime, because everything fell into place beautifully. The spiritual center I hoped was available had an opening the day of the wedding. The Justice of the peace was a friend of mine who picked up the phone the day I called. My youngest son and his girlfriend were able to drive back from Colorado a week earlier than planned. The restaurant we went to afterwards served a delicious abstinent meal and a fellow in program donated a room in her bed and breakfast for their honeymoon night. Their wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. To see the happiness in both their faces as they said “I do” was unforgettable.
As it turned out, they never did have a reception. After the wedding, my son texted me their thanks and love and gratitude for helping to make the day so special. My Higher Power showed me how to handle a situation that would have baffled me. I would have made their wedding about me and my will. Luckily, I handed my will over to something greater than myself when they said “I do,” and it has made my life and family stronger. I am grateful.