My brother and I had never had a close relationship. I am 71, and he is 66. For years I had tried to control him; I used criticism, bullying, and shaming in unsuccessful attempts to change him into the person I thought he should be. It didn’t work. The result was that we barely tolerated each other.
In November, my brother called me and said, “The doctor told me that if the sore on my foot does not heal, I may have to have my leg amputated.” Additional pills and shots promised relief, but were not helping. He was hysterical and sounded desperate. Prior to joining FA, my immediate reaction would likely have been to be insensitive and my initial thoughts would have been judgmental. “It is about time he came to his senses,” and, “Let him live with the choices he has made.” These thoughts did come, but they were fleeting, as the principles I have come to appreciate in FA quickly kicked in–our job is to serve those still suffering from food addiction.
My brother had quietly watched as my wife and I embraced the FA program seven years ago. He was a silent witness as we shed excess body fat, and he observed as each of us maintained 115-pound weight losses. Yet, he had not seemed interested in applying anything he saw to his own situation, despite being seriously overweight and having many serious medical conditions.
In FA, I have come to appreciate that each of us must come to a point in our own lives where we are willing to admit changes are necessary. I had to accept that I could not tell him what to do or compel him to change. So, I silently watched for years as he suffered the ravages of morbid obesity, uncontrolled diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, gout, lessening of kidney function, and other serious issues.
Another 12-Step principle, attraction not promotion, gave inspired guidance. Thankfully, my wife and I had never pushed my brother; instead we had prayed for him. Now God was placing this situation in front of us; it was the opportunity for which we had quietly been waiting. When I asked if he wanted what we had and was he ready to go to any length to get it, he answered, “Yes.”
My wife and I live about 1,500 miles from my brother. He asked if he could come spend a week with us to see how we work our program and to watch as we prepared and ate our food. He cried when we invited him to stay for an entire month. We asked only that he eat what we ate, participate in food preparation, share grocery expenses, and attend some FA meetings. He accepted our offer; he would come for the month of January.
We rented accessibility equipment. A power lift chair, wheelchair, and a support to help him get up from the toilet were added to our home to accommodate his visit. We arranged with a family member to accompany him on his flight, as it would be difficult for him to travel and move about without assistance. At the last minute, the travel arrangements changed so he had to travel alone, and his flight was diverted to another airport, so we had to drive to an unfamiliar location during rush hour traffic. He arrived late that evening. It was not a good start, but we eventually got him settled in.
Frankly, I did not have a lot of confidence that the arrangement would work. I feared my controlling tendencies might resurface; my will and my history of unsuccessful attempts at changing him reinforced these feelings. My brother certainly remembered how I had previously treated him.
I was expecting failure and we did have some disagreements in the beginning, as program discipline was new to him. Thankfully God was involved in the process and His plan was much better than mine.
In response to our prayers, things began to improve and the miracles began to happen. My brother helped with the food preparation, ate what we ate, weighed and measured his own meals, and attended FA meetings–even some we normally did not attend. He read from the front of the room, despite his difficulties in getting out of the chair. The fellows in our local meetings adopted and encouraged him. He began to show some enthusiasm for life. He went to seated yoga classes with us. His blood sugar levels decreased and he reduced his insulin doses. My wife had received detailed instructions from his doctor as to how to change the dressing on his foot, and the wound began to stabilize under her attention. His mood and temperament improved, as did mine. We began to get along better. He was happy!
When the month was up and he was packing to go home, he stepped on the scales. He had lost 44 pounds. Another miracle! The three of us stood there in amazement looking at each other. A lot of tears were shed. The promises were coming true. He had begun to visualize the dream and the possibilities and to gain confidence in himself.
After returning home, he continued to keep in contact with our local FA fellows, and began attending FA meetings in his own state that previously “were too far away.” His doctor was amazed at his progress and began attending FA meetings with him. Currently, my brother is qualifying and leading meetings. He has a sponsor and a sponsee; he is passing on the FA program. As of this writing, he has lost 110 pounds and is off all medications. My brother is happier than I have ever known him to be.
One of the sweetest miracles of all is a gift that I received; my brother and I now have the kind of relationship that we never had or that I ever thought would be possible. We are brothers at last. Thank you God for this glorious gift. God is great, all the time!