On a recent crisp fall Sunday afternoon, I sat outside a coffee shop, having just finished my weighed-and-measured meal. I turned 39 this year, am in my ninth year of recovery, and have recently become much more “surrendered,” as we say in FA. Experiencing a sense of peace from my Higher Power and the peace that comes from giving up the fight in a new way surpasses any temporary shock of aging.
Enjoying this new sense of serenity, I invited my brother, James, and my mom to join me for a chat in the autumn California sunshine. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company. I basked in the glow of letting go and leaning into God, my sponsor’s guidance, and feeling safe deep within my soul, tucked securely into my recovery. So much peace!
All of a sudden, my dear mother looked at me and said, “You look different. Have you gained weight?” I burst out laughing. Only in FA could I joke about someone asking if I gained weight. She thought I looked heavier (I hadn’t gained a pound). I exclaimed, “Nope!”
Then she declared, “Well, you look different. Do you look older?” Again, I threw my head back laughing. “Ma,” I said, “do you realize you just asked your dear daughter if I’ve gained weight and declared I look older? What are you doing?”
James, my mom, and I all cracked up. My mom explained, “I don’t know what it is, but something is different. You have a sense of peace about you I can’t put my finger on. You seem at rest, settled, mature.”
Yes, Mom, I am. Thank you God, I am in a right-sized body, with better mental health and a daily spiritual connection to my Higher Power. I am able to laugh at seeming slights, where previously I would’ve had a meltdown. Finally, I am at peace.
These are the gifts of letting go and letting God.