“Binging, feeling miserable and fat, and yelling at people. I would be isolated from my husband, children, parents and friends.”
Starting over is always painful. I have been in this wonderful fellowship for 8 years, and in that span, I have had to start over four times. This time was no different. It was not FA that stopped working for me; it was I who stopped working the program. The food was the last to go. It started when I let the gifts of the program take me away from the program. There were other things that I just didn’t want to miss, so I would connect with two people on the phone instead of three, and my committed meetings suddenly weren’t as “committed.” My quiet time was not as peaceful with my “to do” list running through my mind, and 30 minutes became 27. I read my Big Book much too late and fell asleep on it. Now, this didn’t not happen all at once, nor every day. It was sporadic at first, and then more frequent. One tool at a time, I got complacent. Soon, I was searching for the biggest fruit in the basket, I wanted to eat my meals early, and I began to eat in restaurants more often. It wasn’t long before I had a break.
My ego was bruised. Getting up to read at a meeting at which I had just qualified not long before was so hard. The shame of having let down my fellows was heavy on my heart and the feeling that I wasn’t enough loomed large. I had to let go of my sponsees, ask someone else to take over my service positions, and not share at meetings. I had to call my sponsor and commit my food every day instead of a few days a week. Being back in the food put static on the line between the God of my understanding and me. I felt alone with that Divine connection lost.
Did I really want to start over again? You bet I did! I originally came into the program at 253 pounds, and had lost 115 pounds, bringing me down to 138.5 pounds. Where would I be if I did not start my 90 days over again? Binging, feeling miserable and fat, and yelling at people. I would be isolated from my husband, children, parents and friends, and I would feel distant from God. My home would be chaotic, my business would fail, and nothing would ever be enough.
Starting over again, I was humbled by my humanness, and grateful that the only requirement for FA membership was the desire to stop eating addictively. I didn’t have to sign a new contract nor pay any money. I learned again to receive love and support from my fellows. I remembered that this disease, although cunning, baffling and powerful, is no match for my Higher Power and the program of FA. Within a short time, my head cleared, my heart opened, and my body was detoxed.
Yes, those first 90 days were precious. Even when I had to do them again.