Before I begin I’d like to preface by saying Thank You.  Thank you to FA and to all of the supportive and caring fellows that have welcomed me.  Were it not for them and most important, my trusted sponsor, reaching this 90-day milestone would not be my reality today.

I walked through the doors of FA one evening having had only a tiny glimpse of the food plan but knowing nothing of the program as a whole.  I was desperate.  I wanted to lose weight.  It was an obsession that consumed my every waking moment.  On the outside I appeared to have it all together, but on the inside I was angry and frustrated, full of doubt and self-hatred, riddled with fear and insecurity.

I left the meeting that evening rather quickly.  I heard many people share their stories of triumph and victory, of struggle and conscious self-work.  The intensity of it all scared me a bit, I must admit, but I left with a glimmer of hope.  Something in that room that evening had ignited a spark.  Initially I just wanted to ‘be skinny’, as they all were, but deep within I felt there was more to this.  And there began my journey.

The next morning there was a regular FA meeting held at the same location.  That is where I found myself the very next day and again the following week.  There, sincerely warm people approached me, people who spoke my language of insanity and desperation and who seemed more than happy to help me.  They wanted to include me and share with me what they had learned.

I went back the next week and the week after that before committing to a sponsor.  What I have gained from the program since then has been life-changing.

All my life I struggled with my weight and with a poor body image.  I was never obese; I was chubby, but in my mind I was the fattest girl in school.  I would call myself fat and my mom would lovingly say I was just robust.  Being from an Italian family, robust is viewed as beautiful. I was certain it was just a nicer way of saying fat.  My dieting career began at about the age of 12 at which time I lied in order to get my mom to write me a check. I then used that money to buy diet pills that were advertised at the back of some gossip paper.  That was my first foray into the world of diet pills.  After that I just kept looking for the next greatest thing in a bottle.  When none of those pills worked, when the numbing chewing gum didn’t work, when the soup diets and Scarsdale diets didn’t work, I then turned to “healthy” eating; exercising, whole foods, vegetarianism, veganism, raw food diet, fruitarian diet, fasting, cleansing and colonics.  When that didn’t get me what I wanted, I swung my pendulum far in the opposite direction with running, weight lifting, protein shakes and bars, the ketogenic diet, and the paleo diet.  And when that didn’t work, totally defeated, I learned of FA.

Someone somewhere is looking out for me, I’m sure of it because one day a friend introduced me to someone who introduced me to FA.  Our introduction was initially unrelated to FA, but the connection was undeniable.

I learned in FA that I don’t have a weight problem.  Yes, I have always had 20-30lbs to lose, but that, in and of itself, is NOT my problem.  That is simply a symptom of my problem.  My real problem had many other symptoms associated with it, symptoms that I would not have guessed were connected with the way I was eating.

My core problem is addiction.

I have always known myself to be an all-or-nothing kind of girl, but an addict?  No.  Not me.

Yes.  Me.

I am an addict, a food addict.

I have spent years and years of my life depriving and punishing myself to solve a weight problem that really only existed because of a mental health condition.  No wonder none of those diets worked.  It was like wearing a bandage on my finger in hopes of making my headache go away.  It made no sense.

But I have sense of it now.

The diet programs didn’t work primarily because they were not addressing the root cause but also because they did not work with the synergies between body, mind and spirit.  Most programs include a food plan and an optional weigh-in meeting, thereby addressing only the body component of the whole.  Well, what about the mind?  And what about the spirit?  Do they not have a say in how the body functions?  One of the greatest benefits I have received from FA is the knowledge that healing the body is a by-product of healing the mind and strengthening the spirit.  It is not a diet.  It is a way of life that is teaching me to love and respect myself as a whole – all aspects of me.  I practice forgiving others so that I may forgive myself.  I practice accepting others as they are so that I may accept myself as I am.  I practice loving others so that I may love myself.  It is about so much more than the circumference of my waist; more than counting calories, kilometres or steps.  It truly is a gateway to self-love.

My experience with extreme dieting has made me numb to rigid food plans, they are simply plans to follow, but most, if not all, have often left me with an intense feeling of deprivation and therefore always wanting more.  The FA food plan, this way of life, sets rigid boundaries, and boundaries, I have since learned, are truly a blessing.  Boundaries create a safe space.  Boundaries limit my options thereby making decisions that require little to no effort.  My newly bordered territory becomes easy to navigate and has allowed the mental space for deepening and strengthening my spirit, my connection with a power greater than myself and with gratitude.

That is self-love.

That is this program.

That is what I have learned in the last 90 days.