When I was in my disease, and it would snow, I used to look through all my cupboards, trying to fix the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to get out and about without first digging my way out of the snow. I would feel stuck. Then, I would start eating and I wouldn’t be able to stop; I would have something on the stove, something in the oven, and something on the table that I would be eating.

After filling myself so full that it would hurt, I would go downstairs to my laundry room and purge what I had just eaten. Then, I would go back upstairs and clean up the dishes, pots and pans that I had used for my binge. I told myself that I would now have something healthy to eat, but by the time I put all the toppings on my food, it would just be the beginning of another binge.  Afterwards, I would have to purge again. Each snow day gave me another excuse to binge all day long, on sweet and salty foods.

I felt ashamed, and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing with my food. Many nights, I couldn’t wait until the kids and my husband went to bed.  I would stay up late to watch TV and binge and purge until I was so exhausted, that I would finally fall into bed. Other nights, I literally wasn’t there for my husband or my kids. When my husband came home from work, I would go out alone, and eat at various  fast food places. Then, I would go into a store, and buy something small to distract the employees from the fact that I was stealing a lot of other items. I got caught shoplifting a couple of times, and I swore I wasn’t going to do that anymore.  But I couldn’t stop that either,

I would get sick quite often.  I was depressed, and I hated my life. I hated me, and I hated what I was doing with the food, but I couldn’t stop. I felt hopeless. I had no purpose in life, and I wanted to die.

Then I found FA, thank you God. My life changed when I got a sponsor whom I talked to every day for fifteen minutes. She made some suggestions and told me that if I would do these things, my life would get better. I learned to surrender, take suggestions, and be honest, open, and willing, the H.O.W. of the program. I no longer threw up in waste baskets, I didn’t have to steal from the stores any more, my relationships with my husband and kids began to heal, and I was able to get off my anti-depressants. When I went to see my doctor, he told me to keep doing what I was doing because my blood pressure, my blood work,  and my weight were all very good. Now, I am able to exercise for my health, rather than to lose weight.

My husband always wanted to be on a budget, but I could never keep track of where our money was going. After I came into recovery, we decided to go through a financial class given at our church. Although we started in the red, we have been in the black for many years now and are blessed to be able to help others.

In recovery, I am responsible, and I am able to show up when I say I will. My life is full of family, friends, and grandchildren. I can look people in the eye because I’m not ashamed of what I do.  I am positive and I love my life. I could go on and on. I would not have been able to say any of these things when I was in my food addiction, but in recovery, my life is full of hope, love, peace, serenity, and joy. I have a purpose for living today: I am able to help other food addicts. All I can say is thank God for FA and all the people He has put in my life to help me on this journey.