Twelve years ago, I had no idea how to eat without bingeing and purging; I didn’t trust food or myself. Staying in a hotel and traveling with others was a nightmare. Sometimes I’d feel trapped, stuck in a binge that I couldn’t stop and unable to purge because the hotel-room toilet was impossible to use without others knowing what I was doing. Desperate, I would make an excuse to go to the lobby and find a more secluded bathroom. I’d also drink excessively and blame alcohol for my vomiting. My solutions always involved multiple lies and incredible shame. Sometimes I’d feel temporary relief and comfort, but I always woke up the next day with fear and a frantic need to stop my obsessive eating.

There were times when I’d gather the “perfect” binge foods and book a hotel room. I’d get the most inexpensive room possible, the only requirement being a functioning toilet. The room was inexpensive, but I put no restrictions on the food. I thought I would feel safe, free, and content. Inevitably, I felt hopeless and full of shame.

The last time I traveled, I didn’t have to lock the door to the bathroom once. I also haven’t had to flush the toilet after a purge, wondering whom I might awaken or disturb. Recovery helps me consider others, be it my roommate who is trying to sleep, or the planet in the middle of a drought.

I followed my mom into FA after watching her carefully for two years. Aside from birth, the greatest gift she has given me has been introducing me to FA.