I used to love to swim in the ocean. As a child I spent many years living near the beach and was always happy to go swimming. I liked to dive into the waves, to swim far out and watch the people on the shore. I would stay out there for hours – the sense of floating, of being lifted up by the waves, of swimming with or against the current were all fun for me.

As my disease progressed, I went from bingeing and dieting in my teens to gaining 30 pounds and then battling to lose the weight. I discovered bulimia and excessive exercise and spent my 20s and 30s bingeing, throwing up, running 10 miles at a time, and lifting weights for hours at the gym; the weight was managed by these drastic methods.

I found FA 10 years ago, but kept breaking my abstinence, and the disease progressed. I quit throwing up but started chewing and spitting instead, and continued the excessive running and added hikes of 18-22 miles. Sure enough, I stayed in a normal sized body, but I worked hard to keep it that way. In the process, exercise lost its fun- it was an effort, and a way to escape the mental chatter; I could tune out my fear and worry in the pounding and breathing of a run.

The effort wore me out: spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I gave up. I finally surrendered to ALL that FA suggested. That included — for me letting go of the obsessive and compulsive exercising.

So, here I am with nine months of abstinence from not only food this time but also from the excessive exercise. I take walks, practice yoga and a little weekend jogging a few times a month, and if the compulsive thought comes up to ‘do more, go further,’ I stop right then. I have learnt that over-exercise is just like food for me. I cannot afford one bite of addictive eating, or one step of compulsive running. I am learning what I need to keep this 55  -year-old body healthy, flexible, and strong, and to stop there.

What I did not expect was to be given the gift of joy and play that I had as a child. But God’s plans are so much better than the ones I make for myself. I was recently on vacation at the ocean. I found myself feeling the playful excitement of being lifted up by the waves — of floating effortlessly in the salt water, looking at the people along the beach and having no care for time. Not a moment of that went to how many calories I was using or to doing some ab work while I was out there!

Recovery surprises me. My AWOL leaders teach me that my personality needs to change, and I thought I knew what that should look like: someone more in control, more disciplined. But my Higher Power is giving me glimpses of a person who is indeed disciplined (because of this program) but the control is God’s. I am actually LESS in charge and, as a result, I am free to experience a lightness and play I believed to have been lost forever.