I sat on my sofa and pressed the phone to my ear. I was angry. It was, one more time, hard to focus on a 90-minute telephone AWOL with FA members who have arrived at Step Two in this committed FA Twelve-Step study group.

I have to choose a telephone AWOL since I am far away from any live AWOL meetings. I can’t wait for this call to be over. The abstinence is great, but these people are talking about insanity. It seemed as if everyone wants to be the most insane, sort of like an insanity competition. Do I really need this kind of self-flagellation? They describe with dramatic exaggeration their petty habits with food while they ate, and how their bodies got disfigured by it. I am different. Why do they harp on this over and over again?

Finally I‘ve had enough! I hang up and call a friend from Program whom I trust. “I just hung up on my AWOL,” I rant, “I have been in FA for a year and a half now. I am doing well. I work. I pay off my debts. Sometimes I balk at going to meetings and sometimes I let my phone calls slide, but I am abstinent. My food is more neutral, I am less angry, life is good, and I get along better with people. Do I really have to beat myself up and label myself insane and make myself a doormat before the Lord?”

My friend has been abstinent for many more years than I. She laughed at my concerns and then asked me a few searching questions like why I was in Program, what happens when I  eat flour and sugar, how I felt about my body, and how I respond to relationship conflicts, layoffs at work, exhaustion, and loneliness?

I was silent and felt my face turn red and my body get hot. I swallowed, said thank you very much, and dialed back into my AWOL. I listen earnestly now. My thoughts were spinning. My anger turned into tears running down my face. How could I overlook these simple facts?

I had been eating addictively from age 14 to age 38. I remembered cancelling a New Year’ s Eve party because I had started a binge one hour before I left, thinking that a little bit of food would ease the anxiety, but once I started eating, I could not stop. I went on a one week food bender when my therapist let me down by telling me that she was no longer available for me. I still remember how much food I needed to stuff down that rage. I resolved that the next day I would start anew and begin a new life with normal meals. That next day never came.

When I looked in the mirror while dressing (my black mumu tents), I felt fat and ugly. My belly stuck out. I binged and purged after a destructive love affair even though I already suffered from acute gastritis. I told my girlfriend that I did not want to do anything with her anymore because of this and that. I broke up with my boyfriend, telling him that there is someone better waiting for me out there. I could only see people’s shortcomings. I did not think I had any. I was full of cynicism and negativity.

I had been bitter and disappointed with life, withdrawing into isolation because God had not granted me a career, a family, children, a relationship, wealth, and friends.

Then, I finally asked for help and someone took me to an FA meeting. With many misgivings, I accepted that my sponsor was in charge of my food and that I had to work the tools daily in order to stay abstinent.

My sponsor asked about my concept of a Higher Power, and I thought this mushy stuff about a loving God was not for me.

But, one day while hiking, I wanted to go down a steep and slippery path, but a bumble bee would not let me pass. It did its mysterious thing, buzzing right above the trail before my eyes. I felt sympathy for the little animal and a little fear of being stung. Later it occurred to me that this bumblebee was warning me of danger. My Higher Power had sent her my way.

Today, 12 years later, I have completed seven systematic AWOL cycles.  I have a personal contact to the “officer in charge,” who is my creator, keeping the breath of life in me.

For me these are the abstinence requirements: surrender of self will, stringent honesty, perseverance in working all the tools every day, making recovery a top priority, turning to a Higher Power with my concerns, and relying on the wisdom of the FA fellowship for help and guidance. I happily accept the meaning of FA recovery, knowing that left on my own devices I am bound to destroy myself.