I had been in FA for almost two years, and I was struggling with what to do next. The weight was off. Now what was I to do with myself?
I was still wandering through grocery stores reading labels, trying to find something different to fill the hole in me. I was in a store every other day and was finding myself going out to eat more often, having lunches with co-workers during the week, and going out to meals with my husband on the weekends.
One of my favorite things to do before I found FA was to go out to eat. I would try to talk my husband into going shopping so I could eat out. I would start thinking on Thursday about were could we go so I can get the largest portions and bring leftovers home. My mind was always planning.
Eating out in abstinence was tricky for me. My eyes are truly broken. I found myself eating more protein because they didn’t have my fruit. Or, I would eat a large portion of potato on my plate and tell myself that it looked like the right amount. Or, I would think: What will it hurt just this once? Sometimes I would rationalize that the vegetable portion was so small so I could eat more of something else. Any excuse would do.
I would leave the restaurant feeling very full and remorseful. I would be plagued by guilt, wrestling with whether it was a break or not. I would not talk to my sponsor about it and try to reason with myself that I wasn’t eating flour or sugar, so it must be okay.
The real problem that was the obsession with food was beginning to take a hold of me again. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was picking up flour and sugar, and I was scared.
With the help of my higher power, I decided it was time to get honest, open up, and face my problem. I began with a new sponsor and started talking about my behavior. She helped me see that I wasn’t abstinent, and that the best thing for me was to start over at day one. Boy, did I cry and feel awful about having to call my three sponsees, my AWOL leaders (we were on step 11), give up my service positions, and watch my fellows pick up the slack. Not to mention that I had to pick up an A.A. meeting until I got into another AWOL.
It was humbling and not very comfortable. Admitting that I am not perfect is not easy for me. But I have felt such a sense of relief and freedom from the nagging guilt and negative self-talking.
I found that starting at day one was a great opportunity to really work my tools and develop habits that are working for me today. Getting more honest and open with my sponsor and fellows in Program is helping me discover who I am and what my higher power has planned for me.
It has been a year since my second 90 days. I am learning to take my higher power with me throughout the day and trust that God is there. I have real relief from obsession, and the food thoughts are getting easier to push out of my head. I am able to recognize that the pains in my stomach are not hunger for food, but are my discomfort with a person, place, or situation. I am learning who I am, how to face my character defects, and how to ask my higher power for help to change. The best thing that ever happened for my recovery is my new 90 days.