I had been waiting to “eat for two” since I was a little girl.  I thought that pregnancy would be the time in my life when I could eat with reckless abandon, in front of the world, without fear of judgment. This was one of many “great” ideas that floated through my diseased brain.

I have maintained almost three years of abstinence, and a life I did not think was possible, thanks to my Higher Power, my sponsor, Program disciplines, and FA fellows. When I first entered Program, I was not only overweight, but also desperate for a solution to the mental insanity swimming in my head. I wanted to lose weight and learn how to eat in a healthy way, so that when I started a family, my future children would not see the ridiculous things I did with my food—the stealing, sneaking, hiding, lying, and many other inappropriate things that children tend to see when you think no one is looking. After “figuring out the food,” I thought the rest would be easy.

After I had been abstinent for five months, I informed my sponsor that I was ready to try to start a family. She recommended I wait until I had one year of abstinence before I made any major life changes. My initial reaction was, “Who does she think she is, telling me that? This is part of my master plan!” She explained that this was not a demand, but just something to think about in my quiet time and to talk to other veterans about before I made any quick decisions. I agreed and did just that. After a few weeks, the idea of waiting seven more months made sense. I wanted to have that year under my belt so I would be able to deal with being a mom. When April 2010 rolled around, I went off the pill and continued my journey into motherhood. The next step was one I had not planned on; I could not get pregnant.

I had always assumed that getting pregnant would be the easy part. After several months of trying, I was confused, concerned, and a little frustrated that nothing had happened. Thanks to my Higher Power and my fellows, I did not eat over it. I made honest phone calls, even when I thought I was being annoying. Pregnancy was all I seemed to talk about. I handed my negative thoughts over to my Higher Power, morning, noon, and night. By August of that year, we were at the doctor’s office, asking for guidance. After exploring several different options, we ended up at a fertility clinic. Again, I was still abstinent. We worked with an amazing doctor, and by the end of the year, I was pregnant. We actually found out Christmas morning. That was the best gift I have ever received!

Once I was pregnant, I worried about staying pregnant, morning sickness, cravings, my body image, my body’s changes, and being a good mother.  My program, sponsor, fellows, and Higher Power were through each up and down. I was able to make it through, one day at a time. There were no major cravings, and I worked with my sponsor on the few food issues I had. As I slowly gained weight, I felt strong and proud, 99% of the time. My doctor called me the “healthiest pregnant woman in the world.” I always chuckled when she said that, because I was just a food addict, eating abstinently and working my program.

The weeks flew by and I remained diligent, putting one foot in front of the other. As each doctor’s visit passed, I was relieved that I had no issues. I had a wonderful pregnancy, and my recovery took on a whole new meaning when on that magical day, I delivered my son. I was able to be fully present, healthy, and full of gratitude because of the blessings bestowed upon me. Each day continues to be a true miracle. Who knew that this food addict would evolve into a person working a recovery program and eating weighed and measured meals, without the “drug” of flour and sugar coursing through her veins.