Tonight is the first night of Passover, a Jewish holiday that I have celebrated as far back as I can remember.  Celebrating it in abstinence, however, has been a whole new experience for me.

The holiday begins with a special meal called a Seder, which marks the beginning of a week-long celebration. During this week, Jewish people observe the holiday by refraining from eating certain foods, including those made with leavened flour.  For me, what a relief it is that my food stays exactly the same during Passover—no flour or sugar!

Before FA, I used many Passover holidays as an excuse to binge on sugar and the unleavened flour products that are traditionally baked and served only at this time of year. I never thought Passover food was particularly good. In fact, I spent a lot of time making jokes about the food being spongy or tasteless, and commenting that it upset my digestive system. But of course, most years that did not keep me from eating it, and eating too much of it.

As was typical for me before FA, I would have some food (but not as much as I wanted) when we were all around the Seder table, and then sneak back to the kitchen multiple times for more after the meal was long over. I justified my binges by rationalizing that when I couldn’t eat my normal array of flour products, I didn’t feel full or satisfied. The truth is that I never felt full or satisfied, even when I was having those flour products. I always craved more. My body just doesn’t seem to have its own gauge for telling me when I am full, whether it is Passover or not.  I know today that I need my scale to tell me when I’ve had enough.

Some years I used Passover as an opportunity to start a new diet. Passover comes in the spring. Spring is a time of year I typically started to think about losing weight to look better in more revealing summer clothes. I also think I had some clue that my weight problem was linked to eating too many flour products.  So, Passover seemed an ideal time to start a diet—when those products were forbidden by my religion and I didn’t enjoy eating the unleavened substitutes. But it never worked. Even if I stuck to a flour-free diet during Passover, I didn’t abstain from sugar. Moreover, as soon as Passover ended, more often than not, so did my diet.  If the food was no longer forbidden, I had no way to control whether or not I ate it.  So when most summers rolled around, I was still overweight and miserable.

My first Passover in abstinence was a different story. It was the first time I went home to visit my family since I had started FA. From the minute I walked into my parents’ home that year, I felt so left out. I questioned whether I could stay abstinent through this holiday (or any family occasion, for that matter). It was a miracle that I did! When I walked in, the smell of home-cooked foods that were not on my food plan filled the house. My mom hadn’t prepared any of my food items in advance.  (By the way, I hadn’t asked her to. Now I do, and she doesn’t mind at all).  Because I had to begin cooking my food, it wasn’t ready when everyone else sat down to eat.

There are ceremonial foods eaten during the Seder, before the meal is served.  Because we don’t eat between meals in FA, I did not eat those ceremonial foods.  I was so focused the whole time on what I wasn’t having that I couldn’t enjoy the Seder at all. At the time, I thought that meant I wasn’t “a part of” the holiday celebration.

This year I am so relieved that Passover didn’t mean yet another failed attempt at a new diet. Tonight, my family and I had a Seder meal at the home of some new friends. This was my third Passover Seder in abstinence, and it was a wonderful evening.

Instead of picking up the food, I picked up the tools of FA. I asked God for help to stay abstinent. I picked up the phone and told my fellows how I was feeling about the holiday. I listened to them share their experiences and explain how they coped with holiday meals. Their stories reminded me of how sick and guilty I used to feel after overeating holiday foods. They shared with me that it was possible to be present for family occasions and not have it be about the food.

This year, thank you God, I didn’t at all feel left out of the Seder. The others at the table ate the ceremonial foods, and then they enjoyed two courses of food that are not on my food plan. But this time, instead of focusing on what I wasn’t eating, I felt so grateful to be invited to a beautiful Seder meal, surrounded by new friends who had welcomed us into their home. I was hungry, but I knew I would be okay waiting for the entrees to be served. I asked God for help. I was truly able to concentrate on the Passover story being told during the Seder, rather than on when it would end so we could get to the food.  During the courses that I wasn’t eating, I got up from the table and helped serve and clear plates. I did that not so that I could have more time in the kitchen to check out the food (which would have been my reasoning before FA) but because I wanted to do service for my hostess.

I did not spend the evening thinking about how I would get more of my binge foods and when would I have the opportunity to be alone in the kitchen with the food that I was too ashamed to eat in front of others. Rather, I waited until the meal was served, helped myself to a portion of food that I carefully weighed and measured with my eyes, and practiced “less is more.” When the meal was over, the dress I was wearing was still as comfortable as it was when I arrived. I did not feel stuffed or guilty about what I had eaten, as in years past. I did not have to recite my pre-FA mantra, “I will starve myself tomorrow,” to compensate for the holiday binge.  I was able to come home, write down my food for tomorrow, and thank God for an abstinent day, just as I have done every other night since I came into this program.

I am grateful not only for the 35 pounds I shed when I joined FA, and have kept off for two years, but also that I can show up for holiday meals and celebrate without guilt or shame.