About six-and-a-half years into recovery, I started dating a man who turned out to be an alcoholic and had panic attacks at night. Unfortunately I got caught up in trying to be his mentor and help fix his problems. This took me away from looking at myself.
The very thing I should have been looking at was the fact that I stopped taking care of my own needs, staying up too late and engaging in the emotional drama of his world. I became overtired and stressed and eventually made a mistake making my dinner one night. Another time, I went to a party and didn’t make any plan for my meal. I had clearly broken my abstinence.
What did I do? Thank you God, I realized the severity of how I was hurting myself. This man was not good for me in many ways. I took quiet time and wrote about it. I broke it off.
Upon reflection, I saw that I have a tendency to want to focus on others and forget myself. It is a pattern that started at a young age, living in an alcoholic home with a family member who was unhappy. I was always trying to be something special, but hardly got any approval for my efforts. Instead, more was demanded of me. I was what some psychologists call “codependent.” This, coupled with my own disease of bulimia, other addictions, and tons of fear and insecurity, led to my becoming a desperate, suicidal person before coming to FA.
Slowly but surely, I am improving my relationships. I did not make a perfect turnaround after that breakup. It has taken me years to learn how to identify and communicate my needs and desires. I have discovered that it is easy for me to perceive situations as I want to see them instead of how they really are. It takes a decision to let go of my fear and pride to ask my sponsor and fellows in recovery to help shine a light on each and every relationship, whether it is in a friendship, a work or career situation, or in an intimate relationship. I’ve learned that with God’s help and the Twelve Steps, I can have the courage to wait, or speak up, or face an action that’s scary or new.
Through the years, I have experienced being fired from a career teaching position, lived through unemployment, and tried other fields of work. Eventually I returned to teaching, with new resolve. I have been married, separated, and divorced. I have lived through renting out a part of my home to tenants of all sorts, some with mental health issues, who seriously tested me spiritually.
I dated again one year after my divorce, but saw I was much too needy, so I waited to do a new AWOL (studying the Twelve Steps), and committed to work on my recovery and stay single until after I finished the ninth step.
I still can balk and can get lazy and complacent! It is not easy for this addict to be in the world without drugs and a means of escape. When I get lazy, I must get honest. Then when my sponsor, someone else, or God tells me what I should do (that I likely have never done before), I must talk myself through it by saying: Well, why not just try it. It seems to works for others who I have seen get better because of doing it. If it doesn’t work, then I can always try something different later. Walking with God and this sort of “experimental” attitude has helped me lighten up and trust enough to carry me, one day at a time, to the other side of new behaviors and endeavors.
Today life is still new and challenging, but is it getting better. God found me a job at a private school, where I am teaching a new curriculum that I love. After three years, the program is now going to expand, and the president has me managing many of the initiatives. I am constantly learning technical and communication skills. My life is fuller than ever with travel, social, and sports activities (co-ed soccer and road biking), and relationships. Certain family member relations and special friendships are deeper and are more meaningful than ever.
Two weeks after I completed my non-dating commitment, I met a wonderful man who does not have the kind of issues that the old me would want to “fix.” Instead, he and I share a love that is constantly growing. We talk like adults through the tests of our relationship. We recently became engaged after dating for over a year and have been living together for approximately four months. I am 46 and he is 41. We both had a pretty good idea of what we wanted after so many past learning experiences. We also bought a beautiful home and plan to be married after another year. I am truly having fun and growing at the same time.
There are many times when I forget to ask God for help. But when I do not eat and put my recovery first as well as I can, all things do pass. Thank you God, everything seems to work out exactly the way it is supposed to. I have learned to look for the lessons in every challenge. Even this wonderful time will pass and there will be more that life will bring. As long as I have FA and God, I will grow. I am not full of food and temporary highs and escapes anymore. I am much fuller—of deeply grounding peace and gratitude.