This was my fourth time doing a Step-Four inventory in FA, where I was encouraged to make a list of my “character defects,” or problems. I expected it to be easier, not harder, than previous times, and in some ways it was. I was more willing and able to recognize and accept my character defects. But it had also gotten harder in many respects. During the weeks when I was actively engaged in writing about my problems, it was painful to have my less-attractive qualities “in my face” day in and day out. I found myself triggered more than usual by difficult circumstances, and I made decisions or took actions too quickly, not following my own advice to stop, take a breath, and ask for guidance from my Higher Power.

I was feeling particularly sad about my actions around a specific work situation. There was a mistake in a project for which I had overall responsibility, but I was not the person who made the error. To figure out exactly what happened, I tried to trace back the sequence of events, but could only go back so far and, ultimately, was not able to clearly determine exactly what had happened. I found this very frustrating and I resented having to fix a problem caused by someone else. In this volatile mood, and against my better judgment, I wrote an email to two colleagues about the issue without waiting to reflect, pray, or take it to quiet time. And although the message I sent was professional, it still conveyed an intensity and tone that did not mask my upset.

The next day I was regretting my haste and realized I had broken my own rule about reacting when I’m still upset about something. I should have waited to write the message. Sharing these feelings with my sponsor, she reminded me that it was appropriate that I would feel remorse about my behavior. That is what happens as we recognize our defects and the impact they have on ourselves and others. She said, “As we grow in our recovery, our path narrows.” At first I didn’t understand what she meant, but as we continued to talk, I began to get a glimmer of understanding. As I grow and develop in my recovery, it gets harder to be in denial or pretend that inappropriate behavior doesn’t have consequences. Before FA, this type of behavior was easier to justify or brush aside, but now I am too aware to do that anymore. My sponsor went on to explain that the longer we’re in Program, it gets more challenging, not less, to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I realize how much I still cling to the fantasy of perfection. There’s a part of me that expects that one of these days I won’t have any defects on my list. In fact, this particular thought is one of my most persistent defects! I so resist being human and making mistakes. I want to wake up one day and be “fixed.” Some days I have to constantly remind myself that I’m working toward progress, not perfection.

My biggest issue has been anger. For years I felt entitled to shout, curse, and verbally abuse others, even though I knew it was wrong and hurtful. I couldn’t seem to separate feeling angry from inappropriate acting out. The irony, of course, was that this bad behavior never gave me what I wanted. I always “lost,” even if I was right about the specific situation. The minute I raised my voice, it was over.

It wasn’t until coming into FA that I finally began to slowly modify this behavior. At first, the best I could do was just clean up my messes right away. Then I started to recognize the anger and (once in a while), could intervene before acting out. I learned to step away, take a break, pray, and ask for help from my Higher Power. Those initial successes were vital and gave me so much hope, because they proved that I could change.

Eventually, I was behaving appropriately more often than not. Through the power of working the steps, I could see that I was making progress. Before FA, I either pretended that I didn’t have certain flaws or simply avoided looking at how much they were negatively affecting me and my relationships. However, my denial did not make the inappropriate and destructive behaviors disappear. I simply ignored the damage I was doing to myself and others. I was verbally abuse, unkind, sarcastic, and judgmental. Afterwards, I suffered severe emotional hangovers from the shame and guilt, berating myself for days. People were scared of me. They never knew when I might blow up and scream at them. I protected myself by isolating and keeping most relationships at a superficial level. I couldn’t risk being vulnerable or having true intimacy. And I used food to comfort me when those feelings of anger, guilt, and sadness got to be too much to handle.

Now when I feel angry, I use the tools and mottos to regain my balance. Reciting the Serenity Prayer reminds me that I am the only person I can change.  “Easy Does It” helps me to step back and breathe, and most of the time I pray and speak with my sponsor or other fellows before taking action.

I am grateful for the Twelve Steps and the opportunity to humbly accept my humanity. The AWOL materials describe character defects as “obstacles to growth.” While I don’t always enjoy the process of writing them down, I appreciate knowing that my willingness to do so gives me the chance to grow in my recovery so that I can experience more balance, joy, and peace in my life.