I came to my first FA meeting two years ago weighing 244 pounds. I sat at the back of the room, busting out of my clothes, angry and frustrated, with my arms crossed. I knew nothing about food addiction, recovery, or how desperate I was. I thought I had it together, for the most part, and that is was just this “food thing” I couldn’t control.

I heard something that day that changed my life. I heard hope. I don’t remember the name of the happy, skinny lady who was willing to be vulnerable and share her story, but I did hear enough of my own story to feel that there was a solution to the chaos and craziness going on in my head. I was thankful for the people who gave me numbers of potential sponsors.

I went back to another meeting. My sponsor shared with me all the helpful mottos she lived by. When I first heard them, I thought she was absolutely insane, especially when she told me that if I worked this program one day at a time, weighed and measured my food, and worked the tools, my life would be transformed and miracles would happen. Really lady, I thought, miracles? I thought the FA people really were crazy and weird, but I was desperate for the food plan so I just sort of went along for the ride.

And what a ride it has been! After two years of abstinence and a 100-plus pound weight loss, my life is filled with miracles. My fear of financial insecurity has lessened tremendously and my feelings of uselessness and self-pity have gone. I had a “poor me” attitude before, and now I can focus on the good in my life rather than on all the things I want to change. I used to isolate and watch TV to escape, instead of paying attention to my daughter. I no longer isolate and I open up more to others. After realizing that my life was insane and that I was powerless over food and alcohol, I opened up to believing in a power greater than me. I am no longer bitter and angry with God. At work I can now focus on doing my best on a daily basis, and have gotten two promotions (which I attribute directly to my participation in this program), and am earning 25% more.

The tools have saved my life. I make phone calls to my sponsor and fellows when I am in situations that I have no idea how to handle. One of my first times going out to eat with co-workers, I used the tool of the telephone to calm my panic when the restaurant was changed at the last minute. She helped calm me down and gave me the tools I needed to handle the situation. The tool of writing helps me sort out what my crazy addict mind is spinning out about at any given moment. I was in a very unhealthy relationship and had many fears about leaving. When I took my sponsor’s suggestion of writing about all of my fears and what my life would be like without this person, I realized that my fears were irrational, and saw that if I just trusted my higher power, I would be taken care of. When I feel overwhelmed at work, I get on my knees and pray. At meetings, I love that I can count on my fellows to be there week after week. Sponsoring reminds me on a daily basis how serious this disease really is and is teaching me about setting boundaries and communicating with others.

The journey to where I am today has not been all easy. There are times I want to eat, to throw my hands up, and say to hell with it all. But as I continue to work this program, I know that I don’t want to go back to the chaos and misery I came from. I know now that no bite of anything will make it all better, so I don’t eat, no matter what. I get to feel the feelings I have been ignoring all of these years and walk through the fire, knowing that there will always be something more beautiful on the other side. I know that I can get through anything life brings me with the help of my higher power and the strength of this amazing fellowship of addicts who are just like me.