The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous promises us we will “be able to handle situations that used to baffle us” and yesterday I had the opportunity to see how: My parents and I went to the call-up (a Jewish marriage ceremony) of a family friend. Because I no longer live in the same state, I hadn’t seen many of the people there for a year or so.

Before FA I attended many of these synagogue and luncheon events. However, instead of focusing on the people and celebrations, I would duck out to look at the spread the caterers had prepared. When the wait staff would go back to the kitchen I would quickly sneak something off the table and eat it before anyone could see – I always felt so ashamed and embarrassed, but I couldn’t help it. The food was there and I had to have it! Once the ceremony had finally finished and everyone had moved to where the food was served I would spend my time trying to get as much in without people noticing how much I was eating. I was so afraid of talking to people that every time I did end up in conversation I would excuse myself by lying about needing the bathroom or a drink and walk away. I would wait for the person to move onto another conversation before heading straight back to the food table. Again, so much shame, guilt and secrecy.

Yesterday things were totally different; even though I knew there was a huge spread being set up just behind the curtain I was completely present during the ceremony. I knew with absolute conviction that food was not mine -thank you God! The ceremony ran later than I had anticipated so I ducked out to have my weighed and measured meal. When I returned, the stand-up luncheon was well underway but because my food was in its place I was totally available to be present. Of course the fear of talking to my parents’ friends and people I hadn’t seen in years still came up, but I was able to ask my higher power to “help me relax on the inside” and thank God that I had nothing to be afraid of. I ended up having a wonderful time catching up with old friends. I was free of guilt and shame because I wasn’t stealing food or trying to hide how much I was actually eating. For the first time I really felt as though I belonged. Thank God for FA.