Before FA, food called to me. I was 50 pounds overweight, miserable, and hating myself. I had what I now call a “spiritual emptiness” that I couldn’t seem to fill with food, work, or people.

I learned about FA when someone was visiting my area and told me her story. I wanted what she had, and she helped me find a sponsor. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it. I had never been successful on a diet because I always wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. But I thought, “What if this would save my life and I don’t even try it?”

My new sponsor told me several things that helped me. She said, “If you do what we do, you will get what we got. Try it for 90 days, and if you’re not happy, we’ll refund all your misery.” That was enough for me. I was desperate and determined. I ran to a calendar and marked which date would be my 90 days. I figured that 90 days was like one semester of school. Since I was able to apply myself to school, I could do this for 90 days.

I called my sponsor on the first day and committed my food. She told me to get on my knees before bed and say, “Thank you for this abstinent day.” At the end of the first day, I got on my knees and repeated her words. I then realized I had been clean with food for probably the first time in my memory. I was amazed.

The next day I shared this experience with her, and she calmly said, “Do it again today.” And I did it again that day.

I called her every day and she answered my questions, encouraged me, and helped me plan and work through every obstacle. This continued for a few weeks. My head began to clear. I felt the fog that had been in my head all my life begin to lift. I started feeling happier, freer. 

Then I went to my first potluck. I carefully packed all my own food and took a salad to share. During the dinner, someone was talking about how good a dish was. I was informed it didn’t have flour or sugar in it, so I asked my husband to give me a taste. As soon as I swallowed, I knew that wasn’t my food. I told my sponsor about it the next morning and started back at day one. I wasn’t discouraged. My sponsor assured me that it was just a learning experience.

Three weeks later, I was weighing my salad for lunch and had a few small pieces of cut-up vegetables left over. Without thinking. I threw them on my salad and ate my lunch. I remember that when my husband came home from work, I was quite irritated at him and not sure why. When we sat down to dinner, I began complaining about everything. At one point in the meal, my husband said, “What are you doing?” I looked down and realized I had been dipping my fork in something left over after I had measured it. Again, it wasn’t my food. I immediately thought about the extra cut-up veggies I had tossed on my salad earlier that day. 

I knew that I had broken my abstinence again. I couldn’t wait to get clean with my sponsor. What I learned from this experience was that in addition to flour and sugar, excess food also is a trigger for me.  I learned that I have a disease of negativity, which comes back full force after just one bite. Food is my drug and I need to keep a strong fence around it so I can live my life free of its calling, free of my obsession, and free of my negativity.

That was my last break. My ninety days came and went. The fog stayed lifted. The hole inside closed. I began working the steps in an AWOL and my life got better. Today I am truly “Happy, joyous, and free,” just like the Big Book promises.